It’s 9:15 on a Thursday night. I’m sitting in the back of (insert comedy club name here) watching yet another comic who has given up. They’re calling it in. It’s the same shit they did when I first saw them 9 years ago. Nothing has changed, they’re even selling the same fucking t-shirts. Sometimes they’re on their way down from being some sort of celebrity, but they are never on their way up.

A lot of us became comics because we knew it was pretty much the only career that would make us happy. Sitting in a cubicle 8 hours a day would only push us to the point of calling the boss a cunt while kicking the phone off his desk and while those 5 minutes of life would be rewarding, the rest of them would slowly force a pistol to rest on our bottom lip. But the longer we’re in the business, the more we find out that the types of people we encountered in our “normal” job also exist in the comedy world.

Remember the boss you used to have who always seemed to be sitting on your desk when you arrived 15 min. early… even though it was 45 min. after everyone else got there? You were the only one in the group that had new ideas which meant to him you were always the one that didn’t know how to follow instructions. The one week when you closed the big deal, or completed the big project was completely ruined when you overheard him explaining how “his” team was able to pull through as expected, but next time he’ll make sure there aren’t so many problems along the way. Remember that cocksucker? He’s a club owner in Turkey Fuck, TN. He put on your itinerary to be at the club by 7:00 for a show that starts at 8:00, but when you show up at 7:00 you find out the other comics came by at 6:00 and he got pissed when you weren’t there so he’ll be back to talk to you at 8:15. So while you sit and wait, you examine the area, the town, the club, the wait staff, and who’s worked there in the past so you can make sure your show is tight and one that they’ll remember. You finally put together something that you know will hammer, only to be informed that the “list of club rules” includes no blue humor, yet fails to explain exactly what the fuck they mean by that. Then as the show is starting and you’re standing in the back watching the emcee drop an 18 year old reference to a high jacked TWA jet, the crowd sits stagnant and the owner leans over to you just to explain the reason they didn’t laugh is because they like it a little raunchier than that… but not too raunchy. Some how in spite of the explicit instructions you’ve been given, you manage to the destroy the room with some slight adjustments meant to keep this failed open mic’r owner happy. And while you’re standing near the door at the end of the show pulling days off the lives of your grandchildren thru a Marlboro Light, everyone who works in the club comes by to tell you that’s the best show they’ve seen in months. And when you walk to the office to get your check you hear the owner calling in his report to the booker. It seems you did okay, and he’ll have you back, but next time you need to understand the rules a little better so he doesn’t get so many poor comment cards (that are still sitting on the tables).

There was also that guy you used to work with who only had his job because his dad was a VP. The more he fucked up and got fired, the faster he came back to assume the position of the person who fired him. No matter how bad he made things for everyone else it always appeared at first that he figured out a way to convince management that he was doing a fabulous job and things were only getting better. Then you later realized that management was only doing what they had to do to keep their jobs. If they didn’t do it, the VP would find someone who would. It never seemed to matter that someone else could do a much better job than this douchebag, he was serving a purpose in his position by keeping the big guy happy. This guy is on the road too. He’s the middle act that some celebrities bring with them. You’ve had the week booked for 6 months. You cannot wait to work with this guy which is why you worked so hard the week prior to make sure your set in front of him is just right. Then 3 days before the gig the call gets made to the booker that he’s decided to bring his own middle act (the same one he’s been dragging around the country for the last 2 years). The booker has to accept the change because it’s written in the contract that he gets to choose his own openers. You aren’t pissed because it’s happened before and you head out to the club anyway hoping that for some reason this guy is late and you get to pick up at least the first show. He’s not late, as a matter of fact he’s early and has now manage to charm everyone hanging out at the club before the show. Maybe this guy isn’t that bad after all. That fantasy soon fades away about 2 minutes after he starts his set as you realize the next 20-25 minutes have an amazing similarity to a balloon toss. There’s a lot of back and forth between both sides, it’s boring as hell until the end when for a split second you think something exciting just happened when the balloon busted… and then you realize it was filled with water, not semen. As you sit there wondering why this guy is working your spot the crowd is sitting there growing impatient waiting on the celebrity to show up and when you figure that out you being to understand what bringing a cream puff to open for you does for the show. It keeps the big guy happy. He feels like his show is better because everyone is waiting on him to come in and save the day. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t understand it’s a much better show if he gets to come out and ride a big wave that’s already there rather than coasting in on the small one that showed up when the emcee called his name.

And finally there was that guy who sat at his desk everyday for 20 years and bitched about how long it took the day to go by. He never did anymore than what was asked of him, which kept his salary at a level that forced him to spend the rest of the day roaming the office telling everyone how rich his latest pyramid scheme was going to make him, but only if he got you to sign up underneath him. The only time he showed any emotion was when the boss didn’t want to leave him out and finally tossed him a small project that even the janitor could do a better job on. He’d milk that project as long as he could to keep from doing the real work that he was responsible for, and everyone else would chip in to take up the slack just so the boss wouldn’t get pissed. He’s in the comedy world too. It’s 9:20 now and I’m still staring at him. He’s just about to start that famous 20 minute T-shirt commercial and close out the show with a bit that was less than mediocre in 1991 when he stole it. After the show I wonder outside the club biting the top of my beer bottle and just as I’m convinced the night couldn’t get any worse, he walks over to explain to me how I should lighten up because if I work hard I’ll be where he is one day. He’s a safe bet for the booker and explaining to him that eventually even the homeless people in town will be able to repeat his act verbatim is a waste of time.

Luckily there are still a few guys out there that started in the mail room 5-10 years ago. They worked their ass off everyday offering suggestions, taking more responsibility whenever they could, always standing their ground and calling bullshit when they saw it. They’re still around today but now they’re managing their own team, running their own business, or they made enough to retire and they simply sit back and do what they want instead of what everyone else thinks they should. Those are the guys you see who don’t mind bombing, and laugh in the back of the room when they watch their friends eat it in front of an Easter weekend crowd of 14 people. They’re the ones that come thru your town every year, and every year it’s a different act. They don’t give a shit if they sell anything or not because this isn’t just a job, it’s a lifestyle. The same groans they got in Paducah, KY will be repeated at the family reunion after they hammer Uncle Nigger Hater for telling hack racist jokes.

Now it’s 10:30 and I’m on my way home trying to figure out how the first three groups always appear to get more respect in the business. Any business. I think it’s because the people that are watching us have become accustomed to settling for shit. It’s their one night out that week and even though no one forced any emotion on them while they were out, at least they were out. Just like Monday morning will be the same as every Monday morning for the last 20 years. It sucked, but at least they got paid.