I’ve been around long enough where it’s probably time to tell the story of how my little family came to be.  Until one or more of them come to their senses, I live with my wife, two daughters, and three dogs.  Since every other living creature in my home is a female, according to my eloquently spoken step father I’m “the only swingin’ dick in the house.”  

So how does an asshole like myself amass a home filled with pussy?  The story can’t be told all at once.  I guess the easiest way to tell it is to start at the bottom and work my way up.

Kloe, is a 10 year old Cocker Spaniel/Shitzu breed we have named “crock -o- shit.”  I believe this breed name has a lot to do with her behavior over the years.  The dog was purchased, as most are, to ensure my access to the interior of a 19 year old girl’s panties.  It kind of worked, but to learn more about that you’ll have to wait until I get to the story about my wife.  After I bought the dog I left it to live at the apartment of the previously mentioned young lady because 1. I was living in a house with 3 other dogs (a Pug that was missing an eye, rib, and nipple, an epileptic Dalmatian, and a Great Dane with hip dysplasia and lactose intolerance) and 2. I hate fucking cocker spaniels.  Upon leaving the mutt at her residence, she assured me that she would be following my strict training instructions  enlisted upon every animal that I’m forced to share a roof with.  After a week of visits it was clear that either she was not following these rules, or she was re-staining her hardwood floors with piss.  At some point during the tense training negotiations, the young lady and I decided to combine households.  Now I’m living with two women, and 4 dogs.  Everything you expect to happen in this situation does.  I’ll save the part about the women for a later blog and let you know the surprising part that relates to this story is that with four dogs, the one running things is an eight pound handicapped pug.  Demon puppy didn’t seem to appreciate the distribution of power so she took matters into her own hands and destroyed the house.  

Now, most does will chew up a couch cushion, a shoe, or maybe the leg of some furniture.  Amateurs.  This dog started a Red Dawn full assault on my life.  She warmed up with items around the house.  She ate the bottom of every door, she soaked every rug in urine, and just in case there was any question about who the culprit was, she would force me to follow her down the hall so I could watch her back up and piss on my pillow.  Next she took out my wallet.  Her first financial attack began with her swallowing an entire pair of panties whole.  The tickling lace caused a constant cough, much like parvo.  Since my roommates dogs hadn’t been vaccined properly, and they were too big for her to manage getting them to the vet, I had to pay the vet to come to the house and give $1500 worth of shots to every dog.  About a month before my wife gave birth to our first daughter, Kloe broke her back.  After spending four years with this dog my wife had become so attached to her that a death at this point could cause problems with the pregnancy.  I checked our saving and we had $3,000.  I told her if it cost a dollar more, we had to put the dog down.  The surgery ended up costing $2995.  Looking back, if we’d eaten a steak dinner the night before I could have saved myself a lot of stress over the last six years.

After the surgery the dog recovered fully and spent the next five years getting her way through a series of hateful acts including but not limited to:  shitting in my shoe, stealing my clothes, barking every 10 minutes after baby’s bedtime, eating bullets, eating money, hiding dead rats in my workshop.  Things went pretty much like this until all one day she just didn’t look good.  She would cough, weez, walk funny, fall down, etc.  The vet said make her comfortable, this is it.  My daughter had just turned five, and a new kid was on the way.  The wife and I decided since the daughter was going to loose a lot of attention with the new baby, it would be easier to do a proactive swap and get a new puppy before the old one kicked off.  So we bought a new dog and the simple act of bringing her home instilled a second wind in Kloe of miraculous proportions.  All symptoms immediately disappeared.  She also found the strength to let me know how much she appreciated our gift of a new dog and a new will to live.  She walked over and shit on my leg.  She was banished outside for a week.  45 seconds after she was let back in, she did it again.  The new puppy is now 100 lbs, the dog who should have been name Falcor refuses to die.