My father was right. You can’t hide money.

Most of it appears to be fried. I’ve been in this bar for over 3 hours. This guy has been eating the entire time.

Matt Davis and me + beer + a guy who wants someone to pay to punch him in he face + a pocket full of cash = video gold.

Thanks to flipcam (now in HD) you get to see what it’s like when I ignore my children and leave my house to get trashed and point out the flaws of the less fortunate.

This is my friend Andy and his ridiculous hair.  Drunks in the background = me and Matt Davis.

The chair was recently released from Guantanamo Bay

A 14 year old Chinese boy was killed when the desk chair’s gas cylinder attempted to escape into his asshole.  Some are saying (no they’re not, it’s just me) this was his father’s lame attempt to get him to [insert random 1980's punchline here].

My lovely wife and some fag

Adwana – the 2nd in a house full of fucked up names

As with all true love stories, this one begins in a bar. On Halloween night in 1999, I was making my annual drunk rounds to all the bars in whatever rude costume I could put together. That year I was especially proud because my costume included a 28” cock. While at my first stop, the bar I spent most of my free time at anyway, I was informed the young lady who was the fortunate owner of the great ass I’d been watching for months was newly single. I made my move with the expected bravado that a large penis and a bunch of beer gives you and by that I mean she came to me. She walked over with a dessert tray and stated, “I’m on here too, but I’m more than $2.50.” Obviously she wanted to build a family with me.
We hit it off very well on our first date and quickly arranged a second. A few days later I found out that things went so well she got back with her boyfriend. I needed to move quickly to show her I was the better man so I took every girl I was banging to sit with me in her section at the bar. A month later I was in… her vagina. For several months we built the foundation of our relationship by attempting to ignore the other people were both so obviously joining at bible study fucking. One afternoon I made a stop by her apartment only to witness the first clue of her complete lack of ability to manage her money, and another of her MacGyver like ability to keep a single room warm in a house with no gas or water. It was decided we should take this opportunity to become closer (closer = I no longer have to drive all the way across town to hit it). We gathered most of her things that day and for the next three months she lived in a house with 5 dogs and my bitchy roommate while I travelled 5 days a week. When the time came to discuss our problems we did what all mature adults do. I ignored her, she started seeing someone else, and I tossed her shit in the yard.
Three months later I was back in… her vagina. At this point we were living in a duplex short 1200 square feet, one roommate, and two dogs. Things were going so well with my job we were contemplating a move to Boca Raton, FL. At some point during this period I proposed, she accepted, and then we decided not to move to FL. I checked my bank account and asked do we get married or buy a house. Two days later, we bought a house. I asked do we get married or remodel the kitchen. We spent the next 8 months with a microwave and refrigerator in the den. Stalling became expensive so to profess my love I went to Italy for three weeks with a buddy of mine. We already know what happened when I got back in… her vagina.
Since she was pregnant we both reacted like every sensible couple that’s been engaged for two years. I mentioned we should quit stalling. She accused me of only wanting to marry her because she was pregnant. I explained pregnant women get fat and fat chicks only turn me on in college bar bathrooms. Her hormones made her really horny. Our love blossomed. She planned a $10,000 wedding in Salisbury. We flew to Vegas for a week and came back married and threw a $1,000 party.
This blog is getting long, but people that know me will call me out if I leave out certain details so I’ll just say this. We’re still together despite the following:

-She got so drunk and pissed at me one time she tried to Matrix kick me with both feet. I stepped backwards and now we have a story to tell at parties that doesn’t involve nudity.

-We once drove two hours to a bar and I forced her friend to show me her tits in appreciation of our appearance.

-She won’t let me put it in her butt.

-I’ve seen a few of her friends naked. They won’t let me put it in their butt either.

-I’ve told the following lies about her on stage to thousands of people: She drank Jager in the delivery room, I had a minogue with her and her sister, I had to wait in like to bang her after work, and many, many others.

-Her mother is a cunt. So is her sister and her niece.

-Somewhere out there is a picture of her watching me hold a stranger’s breasts in front of a comedy club.

-While typing this blog I responded to one of her texts with a statement that involved our eldest giving hand jobs to a elementary school vice principal.

 
A new bit recorded at the Pittsburgh Funny Bone.

The proof is at exit 99 on I-79 where for less than $7 you can purchase a final meal that will make you shit your own heart.

Photo credit goes to Matt Davis. If all goes well this weekend I’ll post some more pictures he took of his girlfriend’s vagina.

Cute up close, but has been known to bit off a hand

Kai – because if your 1st kid was Nico you can’t name the 2nd one Sally

I bought my last baby food in 2004, my last diaper in 2005, and in 2008 we were looking forward to Kindergarden.  By my schedule she would be out of the house by the time I was 48 which gives us plenty of time to travel again before we got old.  The wife’s in college full time earning her 2nd degree, we’re on one income, I’m now traveling as a comic, we both drive sports cars, and we still hate kids.  In fact, we hate kids so much that she has an IUD… which I apparently swallowed.  Timing is again perfect because while we’re pregnant the wife still has to finish school, our house burns, and my mother-in-law fakes a heart attack.  After that it couldn’t get much worse so it either got much better or we just started to appreciate the small victories in life.  Victories like going into labor on April Fools day, while in labor two girls I went to high school with got to stick their hands in my wife’s vag, and the fact that her full name was finally agreed upon with me yelling thru the door while the wife was taking a shit.  This of course puts us in an odd situation as we still hate kids and we are now out of bedrooms.  To ensure our lives are not changed again we have procured not one but three medical procedures.  I got a vasectomy, she got her tubes tied, and I gave her cervical cancer.

Aspiring groupie?

Nico – because we’re big Blind Melon fans

My eldest daughter just turned 6 a few days ago.  In 2002, I spent just over three weeks in Italy and when I got back the not-yet-wife picked me up at the airport, we made it to the house but not to the couch.  Now we’re having a baby, and what perfect timing.  We’re not married (who gives a shit), I travel 98k miles a year for work (great, I’ll never have to change a diaper), the wife works two jobs (babies sleep, car doors lock from the outside to keep them safe), we live in the wrong school district (huh?), the cab company knows when we’re in town they’re supposed to drive past our house to take us to the bar (now we save the cab fare and half the drink money for her college fund), and… we hate children.  So what do you get when two open minded child hating drunks pop out a pooper of their own?  You get a well behaved baby (because she’s seen how we treat other children), a 2 year old that waterproofs a pug with diaper rash ointment (because the dog looked like she might need a swim), a 2.5 year old that tries to wear nothing but pink cowboy boots to dinner (because she knows the restaurant doesn’t have a kids menu but she wants her food for free), a 3 year old that debunks religion by pointing out that the fish didn’t drown in the flood, she’s seen the top of the clouds from a plane and didn’t much else, and she thinks it’s great if you get too see all the people and neat stuff in heaven but it’s stupid that you have to die to get there (I didn’t prompt any of that, I swear), a 4 year old that knows not to repeat anything daddy says (I shouldn’t have to explain this, she could go to jail), a 5 year old that runs 45 mph on a go-cart but won’t take the training wheels off her bike (because she hates the environment), and a 6 year old that could give a shit about Bugs Bunny but better not miss Iron Chef (because her father never met a stripper that could cook).