She was going to put her hands in but she was too busy talking.

find the hooker, preacher, and the food stamps and win a free ipod

I’ve never really been much of a religious person.  Actually, that’s an understatement I’ve never understood religion at all.  I’m not a hateful atheist I just read a lot and understand that every religious book is nothing more than a collection of stories meant to keep the tribes from constantly uprising.  You know, like Obama’s youtube videos.  

If you would’ve asked me if there was a god a week ago I would’ve answered no, probably not.  But that was a week ago.  Something has happened and now I’m forced to question all I’ve ever believed.  Yesterday I sat in my office pissed at the world.  The economy is taking it’s toll on my finances.  On top of that it seems more and more lately I’m dealing with people who have no idea on how the world really works.  In the last month I’ve listened to a small town plumber explain that he can fix the economy with a tank and a 13 year old girl call Obama a nigger terrorist (I’m fairly certain she can’t spell 3 of the last 4 words of that sentence).  Yesterday I’d had enough of the shit.  I just wanted it all to stop.  Stop the hypocrisy.  Stop  the stupidity.  Stop the close minded bullshit.  That was yesterday.

Today I woke up and Myrtle Beach is on fire.

No matter how hard Jimmy Fallon tries (and he really does try hard) every word out of his mouth is unfunny and lifeless.  At this point I think reruns of “My Three Sons” would pull more ratings than Fallon’s show.  To prove the point of just how little you have to try to be funnier than Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson opened last night’s show with 2 minutes of lip syncing with puppets.  That wasn’t his closer man, he opened with that shit.

It’s over.  Crazy Ted has pushed our country into the realm of “The Running Man“.  Later this year “The Nug” is starring in his own reality show “Running wild… from Ted Nugent.”  He has disguised the show’s true intentions by using the first segment to teach the victims contestants survival skills.  Don’t worry though, in the end Ted always gets his man and the last part of the show he and his son Rocco (seriously mother fucker, Rocco?) hunt every last one of them down.

It’s always been right there in front of us.  Uncle Teddy has been screaming about the rights of gun owners and hunters just and long and loudly as Alex Jones has been telling us aliens are the puppeteers of our souls.  Since he hasn’t been able to convince congress anti-aircraft machine guns are the only suitable artillery for hunting flying squirrels he has now taken it upon himself to kill everyone that disagrees with him.  I hate to spoil the secret behind this show but I read the treatment for it and the plan is that once CNN covers the funerals of the stars from the first part of the season most of us will fall in line for the episodes that air sweeps week.

Obviously Ted won’t use what he considers “lethal force” to prove he’s a better outdoorsman than his students, but Ted thinks everyone should be man enough to take a gut shot with their morning coffee.  Two bills says just before this show gets cancelled we get to see Ted argue the point that it was a real bullet but he only grazed the guy’s spleen.

The image above is sort of a “Where’s Waldo the racism” type game.  I took this at a gun show I attended a month or so ago with my step father and two other comedians who will remain nameless so I can give an honest summary of the events of the day.  When they read this they can feel free to post additional stories from that day and take credit for their part.  

The day began with the four of us standing in line discussing a problem one of the other comics was having and after I uttered the phrase, “call the IRS” the nosey conspiracy theorist in front of us explained in an elevated tone that the IRS was illegal and any association with that organization is a crime as well.  Yippie!  The nutbags are out and it’s going to be a good day.  That is, as long as we remain calm.  In any normal setting filled with crazy, religious, political, and war torn twitchy assholes with no shortage of opinions we would make every conversation uncomfortable and push it to the brink of a physical altercation.  The difference in this scenario is everyone is packing, there is no shortage of extra ammunition, and there are four of us and five thousand of them.

After we got inside there were two key parts of the day that made me giggle.  The first was one of the other comics continuously asking the most obviously racist individuals “what kind of gun is the best to get when a nigga be trippin?”  No one ever answered the question but he kept trying.  The second was when I was able to quickly snap the image at the top of the post without getting shot.  Take a close look at this picture and make sure you take it all in.  You start by noticing the title of the songbook “When a Coon Sits in the Presidential Chair.”  This particular item was for sale for $1500 but I’m fairly certain the purchase comes with a free addition of your name to several FBI files.  Then you notice the original copy of an Atlanta newspaper with a headline from the day MLK was shot with one of Hitler’s headshots leaning against it.  On the table is a picture of the Rosenbergs, a jar of jelly beans, and a pair of bedazzled baby moccasins.  Just out of frame they had a written contract on the life of Frederick Douglas and jar of tears from the original trail.

This queer kept breathing so I never got his face in focus

Someone on Twitter sent me this link to a blog a guy who takes pictures of people on the subway who are sitting in the seats for the disabled while he stands in front of them on his crutches.  Now, when I’m on the subway and see someone who appears to need my seat more than I do (disabled or not) I give it to them.  That is unless it’s apparent that they’re able to balance well enough on a moving train to take a focused picture with an iPhone.  At that point you’re obviously doing better than I am so fuck off and enjoy the ride asshole.