I have recently pulled all the disney princess movies from our collection and they are banned from viewing until by all females in my house.  I did this because every one of those movies seems to be written for young men instead of young girls.  The mermaid is cool but better with legs, Cinderella’s hot for the trailer park but put her in versace and it’s a whole new chic.  Sleeping Beauty, the Beast, all of them teach young men the exact same thing.  Get a girl with baggage and she’s fun for a few weeks but if you want to spend the rest of your life with her you’ve gotta clean the bitch up first.

I think all men need a girl with issues, they’re great.  But make sure they’re daddy issues, not uncle issues.  You want one that wasn’t loved enough, daddy left when she was young, or traveled for a living.  That girl will straddle your lap while you’re driving down the interstate, but she still holds down a job that requires a business suit (sans panties). You don’t want one with a greasy uncle that made her watch him lick bra ads in cosmo.  She’s great for the 4 years she’s pulling in $1200 a night snorting bumps during a private dance but after that her only career options have her and her meth dimples rocking out to $6 an hour 3rd shift at the pump house.  She’s only there because she didn’t realize that job was pumping gas.

If you let your girls watch disney movies they get the wrong idea and start believing in all that happily ever after shit.  If they believe in it, then the guy who rides his bike to the bar and and lives in a school bus is going to be able convince your little girl that together they can make a difference in the world.  But if she never watched those movies she doesn’t believe in happily ever after and then she’ll know that guy is not the ticket to her happiness he’s just an asshole who can’t afford to make meth without stealing the change from his nana’s purse.

If a kid is screaming you don’t have to run to their aid.  Take your time the situation is going to suck when you get there but it won’t be life threatening or they wouldn’t be able to scream about it.  However, if your wife is screaming haul ass.  It generally means she has someone by the throat or you’re getting ready to get shit on your couch.

After being alive for just over 13 months (unless you’re a religious person then she’s been around since I missed her mother’s mouth) my kid decided to walk today.  I wasn’t there to see it, but the wife told me and she’s not one to bullshit about such things.  While I do think some congratulations are in order I have a simple question:  What the fuck took so long?

I direct that question not just to my kid but to all children.  Puppies generally take just a few days to walk and I think they taught a chimp sign language in a few months.  Yet the supposedly smartest of all species takes forever to learn to communicate effectively and travel on it’s own.  I assume the answer must be evolution.  Animals that tend to get killed and/or eaten soon after birth have learned to get their ass in gear, scream for help, and run the fuck away at a pretty early age.  Since we protect our little monsters I guess we evolved them into laziness.  Maybe if we kick the shit out of some of the less important ones (future fat band kids and anyone that lives in Fort Smith, AR) we can force an evolutionary shift that will make things happen a little quicker.

As these changes tend to take thousands of years I’ll do my part by teaching my youngest something fun.  Fun for me anyway.  I figure I got the first one right, now it’s time to play.  At present we’re learning the dog is in fact called a gorilla and I’m teaching her to talk like a parrot.  If all goes well her kindergarten class introduction will be something like, “I’m a pretty bird, and I have a pet gorilla.”

I was going to type this long ass blog about all the shit that happened in Memphis the weekend leading up to the Sinner’s Ball and then I just got tired of it and decided to throw up the short version.  Here it is, read fast.  Kerry White picked us up at the airport wearing nothing but boots, a cowboy hat, and a bath robe.  Not even the cops gave him a 2nd look.  I highly recommend the Sun Studios tour.  It’s especially cool when you see pictures of people recording there standing beside the same shit hanging on the wall you’re standing beside.  If you find yourself bored with the food you’re eating in your town, go to Memphis.  Everything tastes like a mistake, in a good way.  A podcast called Ron White’s little sister Shea a tranny and it appears they learned the lesson of fucking with someone who has 150,000 listeners when you only have 150.  I responded to the podcast by showing them the ballon knot between my ass cheeks and my ball sack.  The actual Sinner’s Ball show went great and I got to hear a pregnant chic on stage say “sucking dick for mommy’s smack by 2:00.”  Comedy Central would never air that, get out to your local clubs queers.  The guy in the picture above is Wild Bill who conned several of us into getting him free beer while we were getting Shea a ride on a mechanical bull, only to have her defeated by a 4 year old who out rode her not once, but twice.  I’m fairly certain this may be the only time anyone has typed a truthful sentence that involved a 4 year old “out riding” Shea.

Thanks to Kerry and Tracy for letting us crash at their big ass house and waking up at the crack of dawn to feed us.  Thanks to the fat retard at Sun that danced to the cadence of a sentence when there was no music playing.  Thanks to the adulterer who gave us liquor soaked fruit.  Thanks to the cops for grabbing Sean and letting the rest of us make it thru with our beer.  Mo, sorry I passed out before we made it to the restaurant.