Even today I'd rather bang the one on the right

When our children check the history books for this week in 2010 they will find two entries the world will never forget.  The legendary and talented Lena Horne died at age 92, and Teri Hatcher (that old actress who showed her tits in Tango and Cash) launched an advice blog for women.  Lena Horne was one of the greatest singers and actresses of all time.  Terry Hatcher quit college because she got a bit part on The Love Boat.  Ms. Horne lived thru the Great Depression, graduated college, and succeeded in her career despite over 60 years of racial oppression.  Teri is the daughter of a nuclear physicist and a computer programmer and she’s still a fucking idiot.

Lena Horne once said, “You have to be taught to be second class; you’re not born that way.”  This came from a woman who was told she was “less than” the majority of her life.  No one insinuated she might not have what it takes they told her she was shit because of her race and she carried on and succeeded in spite of those people and their opinions.

Teri describes her new blog (gethatched.com) as “a web destination ready to help you break out of your shell and discover what was there all along … one empowered chick!”  This is half ass line written by a room full of barefoot elitists curled up on comfy furniture in a 3,500 square foot sitting room while brown people brought them tea without making the mistake of actual eye contact.

Lena Horne was born in 1917, was 92 years old when she died, and I can’t find a single item where she was ever anything less than proud of her age, race, gender, or heritage.  Teri Hatcher has a history of being victimized, named her son after a VCR, and supposedly turned 40 in 2004.  That last one’s stumped me because she quit college after 2 ½ years in 1977 when she would have been 13.  I’m saying that puts her at about 53, but her shoulders look like they may be 70 or so and parts of her face are going to require carbon dating to get a real confirmation of age.

So ladies if you’re looking for a role model upon which to base the life and career goals you’re currently setting for yourself I suggest you pick up a Lena Horne biography and start realizing you don’t have any real problems holding you back.  But, if you’re looking for relationship and homemaker tips from a divorced millionaire idiot who took a soap opera gig because her money makers dropped level with her elbows, then jump on over to gethatched.com.

I have recently pulled all the disney princess movies from our collection and they are banned from viewing until by all females in my house.  I did this because every one of those movies seems to be written for young men instead of young girls.  The mermaid is cool but better with legs, Cinderella’s hot for the trailer park but put her in versace and it’s a whole new chic.  Sleeping Beauty, the Beast, all of them teach young men the exact same thing.  Get a girl with baggage and she’s fun for a few weeks but if you want to spend the rest of your life with her you’ve gotta clean the bitch up first.

I think all men need a girl with issues, they’re great.  But make sure they’re daddy issues, not uncle issues.  You want one that wasn’t loved enough, daddy left when she was young, or traveled for a living.  That girl will straddle your lap while you’re driving down the interstate, but she still holds down a job that requires a business suit (sans panties). You don’t want one with a greasy uncle that made her watch him lick bra ads in cosmo.  She’s great for the 4 years she’s pulling in $1200 a night snorting bumps during a private dance but after that her only career options have her and her meth dimples rocking out to $6 an hour 3rd shift at the pump house.  She’s only there because she didn’t realize that job was pumping gas.

If you let your girls watch disney movies they get the wrong idea and start believing in all that happily ever after shit.  If they believe in it, then the guy who rides his bike to the bar and and lives in a school bus is going to be able convince your little girl that together they can make a difference in the world.  But if she never watched those movies she doesn’t believe in happily ever after and then she’ll know that guy is not the ticket to her happiness he’s just an asshole who can’t afford to make meth without stealing the change from his nana’s purse.

find the hooker, preacher, and the food stamps and win a free ipod

I’ve never really been much of a religious person.  Actually, that’s an understatement I’ve never understood religion at all.  I’m not a hateful atheist I just read a lot and understand that every religious book is nothing more than a collection of stories meant to keep the tribes from constantly uprising.  You know, like Obama’s youtube videos.  

If you would’ve asked me if there was a god a week ago I would’ve answered no, probably not.  But that was a week ago.  Something has happened and now I’m forced to question all I’ve ever believed.  Yesterday I sat in my office pissed at the world.  The economy is taking it’s toll on my finances.  On top of that it seems more and more lately I’m dealing with people who have no idea on how the world really works.  In the last month I’ve listened to a small town plumber explain that he can fix the economy with a tank and a 13 year old girl call Obama a nigger terrorist (I’m fairly certain she can’t spell 3 of the last 4 words of that sentence).  Yesterday I’d had enough of the shit.  I just wanted it all to stop.  Stop the hypocrisy.  Stop  the stupidity.  Stop the close minded bullshit.  That was yesterday.

Today I woke up and Myrtle Beach is on fire.

It’s over.  Crazy Ted has pushed our country into the realm of “The Running Man“.  Later this year “The Nug” is starring in his own reality show “Running wild… from Ted Nugent.”  He has disguised the show’s true intentions by using the first segment to teach the victims contestants survival skills.  Don’t worry though, in the end Ted always gets his man and the last part of the show he and his son Rocco (seriously mother fucker, Rocco?) hunt every last one of them down.

It’s always been right there in front of us.  Uncle Teddy has been screaming about the rights of gun owners and hunters just and long and loudly as Alex Jones has been telling us aliens are the puppeteers of our souls.  Since he hasn’t been able to convince congress anti-aircraft machine guns are the only suitable artillery for hunting flying squirrels he has now taken it upon himself to kill everyone that disagrees with him.  I hate to spoil the secret behind this show but I read the treatment for it and the plan is that once CNN covers the funerals of the stars from the first part of the season most of us will fall in line for the episodes that air sweeps week.

Obviously Ted won’t use what he considers “lethal force” to prove he’s a better outdoorsman than his students, but Ted thinks everyone should be man enough to take a gut shot with their morning coffee.  Two bills says just before this show gets cancelled we get to see Ted argue the point that it was a real bullet but he only grazed the guy’s spleen.

Believe it or not, this website is not just some internet chump.  It’s a highly technical network much like a 1920’s pimp working several different corners all the while letting each think they are my special place.  I put information on this site, then my bottom bitch (twitter) spreads herpes the word to those waiting for the next post.  A few of my other bitches (facebook, google, etc) help promote me as well and I’m always on the look out for another way to get my name out there keep my pimp hand strong.

This week while looking for new corners, the RSS feed for the very blog that you’re reading was rejected because “The content is inappropriate for syndication.”  I didn’t get pissed off or go on some freedom of speech rant.  I’m completely aware I’m allowed to say whatever I want, but nobody has to listen or help me repeat it.  I wasn’t disappointed that I was rejected.  No, I’m actually kind of proud.  I’m not the edgiest comic on the block (Doug Stanhope).  I don’t have a lot of life experiences that scare the average human (Kerry White).  No one has ever had to tape my pants on so I wouldn’t pull my dick out on stage (Paul Hooper).  I’ve never convinced an entire room full of people that retard porn is good for the economy (Matt Davis).  I’ve never called a flag magnet the “aids ribbon of patriotism” (still my favorite hardcore line from Josh Goguen).  And I’ve never got a standing ovation while mimicking a kick to my mother’s chemo bag (Mo Alexander).

Nope, I’m just a loud, arrogant, hick that likes to yell about living with 6 vaginas in a small town in the south.  As simple as that sounds to both you and me, today I’m pretty proud of the fact that a nameless/faceless soul found the time to put his pizza and chocolate milk on his mother’s counter long enough to greasily poke out an email to let me know he actually read my blog and as the spokesperson for the uncensored world of internet syndication he has deemed my thoughts too dirty to help me spread my seed to soccer moms in western Iowa.  Thank you sir for your honesty and I consider your opinion a compliment.  Now if you’ll excuse me I have to watch a video of that same western Iowa soccer mom unscrewing the lid off the shampoo in her pussy without twisting the bottle.

The chair was recently released from Guantanamo Bay

A 14 year old Chinese boy was killed when the desk chair’s gas cylinder attempted to escape into his asshole.  Some are saying (no they’re not, it’s just me) this was his father’s lame attempt to get him to [insert random 1980's punchline here].

It’s not big news here yet, but give it a day or so and… wait, Fox News (http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,443705,00.html) is on it.  The Atheist Bus is coming to town.  Ariane Sherine noticed a mild religious advert (this is British news losers, we’re using the Queen’s English today) on the side of a London bus.  When she went to the website she found it a little more aggressive than the ad, since it was forcefully explaining to her that she and all her atheist friends were going to “spend all eternity in torment.”  As a retort, she got together with Richard Dawkins and attempted to raise $8,000 to put their own message on a few buses.  In four days, they raised almost $150,000.

Their message is simply, “There probably is no god, now stop worrying and enjoy your life.”  I’ve been reading news articles about this story for the last few hours and the more I read, the more I think we’re all finished.  I thought it might be time for me to respond to a couple of the quotes that I’ve read.

Sandra Lafaire, a 76 year old from Los Angeles said, “I think it’s dreadful.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion but I don’t like it in my face.”  Well Sandra, I agree completely.  Let’s fix this problem immediately.  Have everyone stop knocking on my door at 8 am Saturday morning.  I’m either on the road, or hung over.  Either way I couldn’t give a fuck that only 250,000 people are getting into heaven.  While we’re at it, I don’t want to see anymore church billboards or those shitty little marque signs.  They’re too “in my face” and they’re blocking the view of the informational billboard that tells me what exit Georgia to take if I want a fat naked trucker whore to bring me a $12 microwave cheeseburger.

Paul Woolley, the director of the religious think tank Theos, said “It tells people to stop worrying, which is hardly going to be a great comfort for those who are concerned about losing jobs or homes in the recession.  Stunts like this demonstrate how militant atheists are often great adverts for Christianity.”  First, how telling people to stop worrying and enjoy their life not a comforting message?  I’m thinking it’s a pretty relaxing message, rather laid back if you will.  So laid back in fact that some of the unemployed people with homes in foreclosure may think that their remaining money is better spent supporting their family instead of the church.  The got they support may be helping, but last I checked he wasn’t hiring.  And second, how is the word “probably” a “militant” message?  Don’t get me wrong, I know Dawkins is a militant atheist.  He’s also a genius and an asshole which is why I like him so much.  If you want a militant atheist message I’m sure he would be more than willing to burn one in your front yard in a language you’re too stupid to translate.  Until then, accept the fact that this little sticker is nothing more than a peaceful, “what-if” statement.  A lot like the things the hippies were saying about 40 years ago.  Good thing your people got there in time to cave in some fucking skulls before the pot heads got too militant.

The majority of the posts here will be about me and will be intended to support my desperate need for attention.  However, when I see an oppurtunity to pass along some information about other comics that doesn’t make me want to cut my wrist, I’ll post it as well.  

Here’s a little proof radio sucks worldwide, not just here in the US.  Russel Brand (from “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”) and his partner Jonathon Ross (you live in the US, don’t pretend you know him) were supposed to interview Andrew Sachs (Manuel from “Faulty Towers”) on their BBC radio show.  When they called him live on the air his voicemail picked up.  With 99% of the DJ’s I’ve met, this would be where the story ended. But this was Russel Brand who in the past:

-was fired from MTV (UK) on Sept. 12, 2001 for dressing as Osama bin Laden on the air for interview with some pop star who’s name I can’t remember and don’t give a shit about.

-Called Bush “a retarded cowboy fella” who in England “wouldn’t be trusted with scissors.”

-Compared Britney Spears to Jesus because of their similar resurections.

In this case, Russel and Jonathon decided to conduct the interview with Sachs’ voicemail.  Notable points during this “interview” are when Ross yelled than Russel fucked Sachs’ granddaugther, then Russel denied it while giving out her name on the air and then stated it he did it but she was okay with it, then they closed it all out with a song about the sex in question.  Again, the story would end here in most cases, but this is Russel Brand, and the UK.  Complaints to the BBC have surpassed 18,000, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown is pissed, the granddaughter in question (who in my opinion was asking for it) demanded they be fired, and two complaints have been filled under a UK law called the “Protection from Harrassment Act.”

I grew up in a British family and know a thing or two about British law.  Their legal system is great because it protects Amy Winehouse while she competes for the world record in “most days walking while legally dead,” but Brand may get 6 months in jail for claming he fucked the granddaughter of a washed up 70’s sitcom star.  

What does all this mean?  It means knowing he could already be going to jail for a dumbass radio stunt Russel Brand said:

-He was sorry he said it, he had only met the granddaugther.  Followed by “met her brains out.”

-He would make it up to Sachs by breaking into his house and fondling him while he slept.

My next post about this will be annoucing the sale of a new line of Che Guevara style Russel Brand tee shirts.

After 17 years of extensive R&D, the new site is up and running.  Since no one is reading this yet I’ll save myself the time and just say expect more updates as soon as I find a few people that give a shit I exist.