Looks like someone will be putting a little more love in the next meal

The more I look back on my life the more I realize things have gotten progressively better when I simply decided not to settle.  The less I settle, the more I notice those who do.  I generally try to stay out of it until they ask my opinion.  At that point I’m either the guy with the answers or that prick who told them what they didn’t want to hear.  It’s becoming baffling to me.

Why do you spend ever week going back and forth to a job you hate?  Quit, do something you want to do.  You’re probably not going to starve to death and if you do then you weren’t really contributing to society anyway.

You’re sick stupid, go to the doctor.  Thera-flu doesn’t cure the flu, it treats the symptoms.  There’s a person in an office that can cure you if you’ll simply shut up and do what they say.  And when you get there, don’t ask them what the commercial told you to ask.  The writer responsible for that script is not someone you’d trust with a finger in your ass so why are you letting them dictate what treatment you think you want?

Question everyone.  In elementary school I learned Columbus was a hero.  In Jr. High I learned who paid him to be a hero.  In my 20’s I learned he was a mass murderer and a thief.  Don’t believe “the facts” until YOU have researched the facts.  People are stupid and if you’re not careful they’ll make you that way too.

Learn to bitch.  One of the simplest ideas I use to live my life came from Goodfellas. “Fuck you, pay me.”  AT&T charged you too much and won’t give you a refund?  Fuck you, pay me.  The bank wants to add fees to your account without telling you?  Fuck you, pay me.  Our house burned a few years ago and the insurance adjuster tried screw us out of a lot of our money by setting unrealistic deadlines on our paperwork.  I never complained I just organized 10 of our closest friends to help and we cut his deadline in half.  We got every penny.  Fuck you, pay me.

But who am I to give you advice?  My HDTV only gets about 20 channels that don’t look like shit.  I’ve been punched and shot and didn’t swing or shoot back.  I love my iPhone but it’s still connecting to AT&T.  Maybe you should be listening to someone with better standards.

This “we’re all winners” thing is still running around in my head and now I wonder who decided we’re all winners anyway? I think it’s the young teachers, fresh out of college, who can’t teach from experience because they don’t have any. But they still teach, with no experience. If you constantly talk about things you know nothing about, you’re not a winner, or a loser. You’re just stupid.

When you’re stupid, and your job requires you to act smart, you act like people you think are smart.  But you’re stupid so how do you know if they’re smart?  You’re obviously a shitty judge of character because you don’t even know how dumb you are.  Who told you it was okay to tell a bunch of kids they were all winners even though, deep down, you know most of them suck? The same people that told us as Americans we’re #1 even though most of us are too dumb to ask, #1 in what?
Literacy? Nope. That’s Norway and there are more of them living here than in their own damn country. Are we #1 in percentage of college graduates? Nope, that’s New Zealand which is also #1 in percentage of goat herders. What that means is the guy hitting the goat in the balls with a stick probably has a better education than the one teaching my kids.

We got the first man in space right? Nope, Russia. First white nation with a black president? Cuba, and we won’t even talk to them. Damn it. Are we at least the happiest to be here? Not even close. Iceland’s citizens are the happiest to live in their country and their asses could freeze to any chair they sit. In the United States, that shit only happens in frat houses.
What ARE we #1 in? Spending, debt, consumption, plastic surgery, teen pregnancy, abortion, obesity, and exporting waste. Our flag should have a fat pregnant chic with a boob job and a gucci purse full of cheetos shitting in a bucket postmarked for Mexico on it.
We tell people we’re winners when all evidence indicates we’re not. This country makes mistakes other countries made 500 years ago because we’re still a young country. We’ve got no experience. But that doesn’t stop us from going all over the world telling other people how it’s supposed to be done. Remember what you are when you constantly talk about things you know nothing about?  That’s right. Stupid.  
We’re stupid, but we’re still here. That’s what we should be teaching kids. This isn’t the greatest country because we’re better at everything. It’s the greatest country because you can fuck up and still have the opportunity to make it. We can get lost in a mall looking for the Gap which as dumb, but it’s not as bad as getting lost on a dirt road looking for water. Don’t teach kids they don’t have to try because they’re already winners. Teach them to try as hard as they can and if they fuck up, they can always start over. This is the land of opportunity. We have steroids in baseball, dogfights in football, and we hate soccer because we suck at it. You can still grow up to be a president that gets his dick sucked, a governor that sucks dick, or, just one of the many people in this country that occasionally suck at what they’re trying to do.

Me too.  Here’s something real if you need it.  It’s John Stewart’s first show after 9/11.

I’ve spent most of my time in the comedy business despising Pauly Shore.  Mainly because he’s a guy who had a close friendship with Sam Kinison yet his act looks more like he spent most of his time hanging with Jake Busey.  That’s why it’s kind of upsetting that he may have pulled of something with his new film, Adopted.

I could be throwing myself under the bus here, but this looks kinda… well… funny.

If a kid is screaming you don’t have to run to their aid.  Take your time the situation is going to suck when you get there but it won’t be life threatening or they wouldn’t be able to scream about it.  However, if your wife is screaming haul ass.  It generally means she has someone by the throat or you’re getting ready to get shit on your couch.

After being alive for just over 13 months (unless you’re a religious person then she’s been around since I missed her mother’s mouth) my kid decided to walk today.  I wasn’t there to see it, but the wife told me and she’s not one to bullshit about such things.  While I do think some congratulations are in order I have a simple question:  What the fuck took so long?

I direct that question not just to my kid but to all children.  Puppies generally take just a few days to walk and I think they taught a chimp sign language in a few months.  Yet the supposedly smartest of all species takes forever to learn to communicate effectively and travel on it’s own.  I assume the answer must be evolution.  Animals that tend to get killed and/or eaten soon after birth have learned to get their ass in gear, scream for help, and run the fuck away at a pretty early age.  Since we protect our little monsters I guess we evolved them into laziness.  Maybe if we kick the shit out of some of the less important ones (future fat band kids and anyone that lives in Fort Smith, AR) we can force an evolutionary shift that will make things happen a little quicker.

As these changes tend to take thousands of years I’ll do my part by teaching my youngest something fun.  Fun for me anyway.  I figure I got the first one right, now it’s time to play.  At present we’re learning the dog is in fact called a gorilla and I’m teaching her to talk like a parrot.  If all goes well her kindergarten class introduction will be something like, “I’m a pretty bird, and I have a pet gorilla.”

This queer kept breathing so I never got his face in focus

Someone on Twitter sent me this link to a blog a guy who takes pictures of people on the subway who are sitting in the seats for the disabled while he stands in front of them on his crutches.  Now, when I’m on the subway and see someone who appears to need my seat more than I do (disabled or not) I give it to them.  That is unless it’s apparent that they’re able to balance well enough on a moving train to take a focused picture with an iPhone.  At that point you’re obviously doing better than I am so fuck off and enjoy the ride asshole.

My lovely wife and some fag

Adwana - the 2nd in a house full of fucked up names

As with all true love stories, this one begins in a bar. On Halloween night in 1999, I was making my annual drunk rounds to all the bars in whatever rude costume I could put together. That year I was especially proud because my costume included a 28” cock. While at my first stop, the bar I spent most of my free time at anyway, I was informed the young lady who was the fortunate owner of the great ass I’d been watching for months was newly single. I made my move with the expected bravado that a large penis and a bunch of beer gives you and by that I mean she came to me. She walked over with a dessert tray and stated, “I’m on here too, but I’m more than $2.50.” Obviously she wanted to build a family with me.
We hit it off very well on our first date and quickly arranged a second. A few days later I found out that things went so well she got back with her boyfriend. I needed to move quickly to show her I was the better man so I took every girl I was banging to sit with me in her section at the bar. A month later I was in… her vagina. For several months we built the foundation of our relationship by attempting to ignore the other people were both so obviously joining at bible study fucking. One afternoon I made a stop by her apartment only to witness the first clue of her complete lack of ability to manage her money, and another of her MacGyver like ability to keep a single room warm in a house with no gas or water. It was decided we should take this opportunity to become closer (closer = I no longer have to drive all the way across town to hit it). We gathered most of her things that day and for the next three months she lived in a house with 5 dogs and my bitchy roommate while I travelled 5 days a week. When the time came to discuss our problems we did what all mature adults do. I ignored her, she started seeing someone else, and I tossed her shit in the yard.
Three months later I was back in… her vagina. At this point we were living in a duplex short 1200 square feet, one roommate, and two dogs. Things were going so well with my job we were contemplating a move to Boca Raton, FL. At some point during this period I proposed, she accepted, and then we decided not to move to FL. I checked my bank account and asked do we get married or buy a house. Two days later, we bought a house. I asked do we get married or remodel the kitchen. We spent the next 8 months with a microwave and refrigerator in the den. Stalling became expensive so to profess my love I went to Italy for three weeks with a buddy of mine. We already know what happened when I got back in… her vagina.
Since she was pregnant we both reacted like every sensible couple that’s been engaged for two years. I mentioned we should quit stalling. She accused me of only wanting to marry her because she was pregnant. I explained pregnant women get fat and fat chicks only turn me on in college bar bathrooms. Her hormones made her really horny. Our love blossomed. She planned a $10,000 wedding in Salisbury. We flew to Vegas for a week and came back married and threw a $1,000 party.
This blog is getting long, but people that know me will call me out if I leave out certain details so I’ll just say this. We’re still together despite the following:

-She got so drunk and pissed at me one time she tried to Matrix kick me with both feet. I stepped backwards and now we have a story to tell at parties that doesn’t involve nudity.

-We once drove two hours to a bar and I forced her friend to show me her tits in appreciation of our appearance.

-She won’t let me put it in her butt.

-I’ve seen a few of her friends naked. They won’t let me put it in their butt either.

-I’ve told the following lies about her on stage to thousands of people: She drank Jager in the delivery room, I had a minogue with her and her sister, I had to wait in like to bang her after work, and many, many others.

-Her mother is a cunt. So is her sister and her niece.

-Somewhere out there is a picture of her watching me hold a stranger’s breasts in front of a comedy club.

-While typing this blog I responded to one of her texts with a statement that involved our eldest giving hand jobs to a elementary school vice principal.

Cute up close, but has been known to bit off a hand

Kai - because if your 1st kid was Nico you can’t name the 2nd one Sally

I bought my last baby food in 2004, my last diaper in 2005, and in 2008 we were looking forward to Kindergarden.  By my schedule she would be out of the house by the time I was 48 which gives us plenty of time to travel again before we got old.  The wife’s in college full time earning her 2nd degree, we’re on one income, I’m now traveling as a comic, we both drive sports cars, and we still hate kids.  In fact, we hate kids so much that she has an IUD… which I apparently swallowed.  Timing is again perfect because while we’re pregnant the wife still has to finish school, our house burns, and my mother-in-law fakes a heart attack.  After that it couldn’t get much worse so it either got much better or we just started to appreciate the small victories in life.  Victories like going into labor on April Fools day, while in labor two girls I went to high school with got to stick their hands in my wife’s vag, and the fact that her full name was finally agreed upon with me yelling thru the door while the wife was taking a shit.  This of course puts us in an odd situation as we still hate kids and we are now out of bedrooms.  To ensure our lives are not changed again we have procured not one but three medical procedures.  I got a vasectomy, she got her tubes tied, and I gave her cervical cancer.

Aspiring groupie?

Nico - because we’re big Blind Melon fans

My eldest daughter just turned 6 a few days ago.  In 2002, I spent just over three weeks in Italy and when I got back the not-yet-wife picked me up at the airport, we made it to the house but not to the couch.  Now we’re having a baby, and what perfect timing.  We’re not married (who gives a shit), I travel 98k miles a year for work (great, I’ll never have to change a diaper), the wife works two jobs (babies sleep, car doors lock from the outside to keep them safe), we live in the wrong school district (huh?), the cab company knows when we’re in town they’re supposed to drive past our house to take us to the bar (now we save the cab fare and half the drink money for her college fund), and… we hate children.  So what do you get when two open minded child hating drunks pop out a pooper of their own?  You get a well behaved baby (because she’s seen how we treat other children), a 2 year old that waterproofs a pug with diaper rash ointment (because the dog looked like she might need a swim), a 2.5 year old that tries to wear nothing but pink cowboy boots to dinner (because she knows the restaurant doesn’t have a kids menu but she wants her food for free), a 3 year old that debunks religion by pointing out that the fish didn’t drown in the flood, she’s seen the top of the clouds from a plane and didn’t much else, and she thinks it’s great if you get too see all the people and neat stuff in heaven but it’s stupid that you have to die to get there (I didn’t prompt any of that, I swear), a 4 year old that knows not to repeat anything daddy says (I shouldn’t have to explain this, she could go to jail), a 5 year old that runs 45 mph on a go-cart but won’t take the training wheels off her bike (because she hates the environment), and a 6 year old that could give a shit about Bugs Bunny but better not miss Iron Chef (because her father never met a stripper that could cook).