On his show Monday, Howard Stern “attacked” Precious actress Gabourey Sidibe by saying “There’s the most enormous, fat black chick I’ve ever seen. She is enormous. Everyone’s pretending she’s a part of show business and she’s never going to be in another movie.”  Apparently attack means pointing out the facts because that’s kinda what he did.  Stern lives in a bubble made of cash so this probably is the fattest black chick he’s ever seen.  I live in the land of crisco and butter and I know she’s the biggest bitch on my radar.  As far as the statement about her being in another movie… the nicest way it can be said is that she will never pass the required physical.  Another way would be to say that Gabourey Sidibe is this decade’s Eric Stoltz.  He went thru 2,000 hours of makeup for his Rocky Horror Picture Show and he’s been locked in supporting rolls for 25 years.  The only thing Precious is supporting is a KFC franchise.

Now to my favorite part.  Jessica Simpson (I didn’t see it coming either) rushed to Gabourey’s aid and said, “I absolutely 100 percent think she could get anything in the world that she wants.”  This would normally go completely unnoticed by me except for the fact that Brendon over at WWTDD picked up on it and posted, “I agree. Just as long as everything she wants is on the first floor and within range of her Rascal. Or if she really wants diabetes and heart failure.”  I wish I had written that so I could use it on stage and tag it with, “If what she wants is at the top of the steps, Johnny Depp is going to have to burn her fucking house down.”

It should be noted for any racists that may be reading this, this puppy was white.  I think we’ve all learned something here.  Carry on.

Yes I live here in the states with you but it’s things like this that make me long to return to those in my family who live in a better place.  A place that allows this video to broadcast on public television and make an ass out of everyone with a TV news career since Walter Cronkite called Dan Rather a dipshit.

If I can find a natural gas provider with a BBQ commercial and a dentist that will polish up my teefs I can have a racist service industry hat trick.

Stacy Keach has been around a lot longer than I thought

I’m growing tired of parents who insist on encouraging children who obviously suck, and then make excuses when they fail.  You get one lie.  Lie to me or the kid.  If you tell your kid he can be a doctor and then explain to me the reason he sweeps the floor in a sock factory is because he was sick for a month in the 2nd grade, you’re fucking with the natural order of the universe.

I honestly don’t mind hearing your excuses as long as you give them to me in front of the kid.  But I get really aggravated when little Keanu Diesel is eating cereal with his feet and you whisper to me it’s because he fell off the bed and landed on his head when he was eight months old.  Maybe that wasn’t the cause of his problems.  Maybe that was the first sign that he’s a dumb motherfucker.  Admit this to yourself and the rest of us will stop clenching in fear every time your teenage water head walks past a lawnmower.

At the same time lets all admit no one can be anything they want to be.  Obama can be president but he wouldn’t make it three days running a go cart track in Myrtle Beach.  The eight year old that spent his parent’s lot rent on the same track will never be president.  His parents work in the mill and hate being told what to do so they come home everyday and the roles reverse and now they’re the boss and they get to tell him what to do so they control every aspect of his life conditioning him to be unable to function effectively without someone else in charge until he finally realizes his father’s main function in life was to hold his spot at the mill.

One lie people.  Anything else is all yin and no yang.

Looks like someone will be putting a little more love in the next meal

The more I look back on my life the more I realize things have gotten progressively better when I simply decided not to settle.  The less I settle, the more I notice those who do.  I generally try to stay out of it until they ask my opinion.  At that point I’m either the guy with the answers or that prick who told them what they didn’t want to hear.  It’s becoming baffling to me.

Why do you spend ever week going back and forth to a job you hate?  Quit, do something you want to do.  You’re probably not going to starve to death and if you do then you weren’t really contributing to society anyway.

You’re sick stupid, go to the doctor.  Thera-flu doesn’t cure the flu, it treats the symptoms.  There’s a person in an office that can cure you if you’ll simply shut up and do what they say.  And when you get there, don’t ask them what the commercial told you to ask.  The writer responsible for that script is not someone you’d trust with a finger in your ass so why are you letting them dictate what treatment you think you want?

Question everyone.  In elementary school I learned Columbus was a hero.  In Jr. High I learned who paid him to be a hero.  In my 20’s I learned he was a mass murderer and a thief.  Don’t believe “the facts” until YOU have researched the facts.  People are stupid and if you’re not careful they’ll make you that way too.

Learn to bitch.  One of the simplest ideas I use to live my life came from Goodfellas. “Fuck you, pay me.”  AT&T charged you too much and won’t give you a refund?  Fuck you, pay me.  The bank wants to add fees to your account without telling you?  Fuck you, pay me.  Our house burned a few years ago and the insurance adjuster tried screw us out of a lot of our money by setting unrealistic deadlines on our paperwork.  I never complained I just organized 10 of our closest friends to help and we cut his deadline in half.  We got every penny.  Fuck you, pay me.

But who am I to give you advice?  My HDTV only gets about 20 channels that don’t look like shit.  I’ve been punched and shot and didn’t swing or shoot back.  I love my iPhone but it’s still connecting to AT&T.  Maybe you should be listening to someone with better standards.

You can't hide money

I live in a pretty good neighborhood. For the most part I enjoy spending time with the people that live around me with only two real exceptions. Next door to me is an elderly couple who both seem to live off nothing more than toast, coffee, and the happiness of others. They’ve had confrontations with most of us about things like magical moving property lines, accusations that we weren’t living in our own homes because we were renting them, the demand to stop non-existant logging trucks from driving thru their yard, and threats to call the police when people park in front of my house because they can’t use the remaining 12 foot wide lane to get around them in their car. My responses have ranged from laughing in their face, to calling the police several weeks in a row to gain entry to their home due to my fear that my neighbors may have passed away in their sleep. With these two I figure tit for tat, we’re fucking even.

Then we look across the street to see the second exception, a very small brick home overcrowded with a mother and three or four children. The property has been an eye sore since we bought our house although it has gotten much worse over the years. The husband that once mowed the grass every month or so has moved away and now the family either assumes fairies perform the trimming at night or they just choose to ignore when neighbors get fed up enough to mow it for them. Any trees that fall are magically cut up and stacked by the road. Children’s toys seem to be vaguely grouped in the front yard for a garage sale that never seems to occur. Appliances that stop working are moved to the driveway to make room for their replacements, and when additions are made to the home they sit for years covered in tar paper before the siding is applied. None of these things have provoked my rage… until she got a dog. The dog was chained to the front porch for days at a time and between short trips around the yard dodging piles of it’s own shit it spent most of it’s time barking at my house. The 2nd night we lost sleep I worked up my speech for “the bitch across the street.” It was to be:

“I’m not here about the fact you never mow your yard or thank the people that do. I’m not here about the half a garage sale you’re growing in your garden, the fact that you never trim any trees or bushes, or that your fence is falling down. I didn’t walk over here to bitch about the washing machine in your driveway, the fact you leave your trash can in my yard for days at a time, or because I’m forced to listen to the 140 db muffler on your boy friend’s car at two in the morning. None of those things or the big wheel without the fucking big wheel on the front are why I’m here. I’m here because you don’t know how to take care of your fucking dog and if you don’t learn I’m going to steal him and take him to someone that gives a shit.”

I was going to say that. But it was 2 am when I wrote that. It was cold outside and I knew I could find a sleeping pill faster than my slippers. The next night about 5 am it was happening again and that is when I realized that I’ve changed. After only two hours of sleep I decided it was easier to call the cops, let them handle the dog and then get the city to make her clean up her yard. So instead of showing my ass like I’ve enjoyed some many times in the past I let my tax dollars do my bitching while I sat at home on the previously mentioned ass. Is this the change Obama was talking about? I’m not sure how I feel about it yet, but based on the results I can probably do more damage this way.

Telling children they can be anything they want when they grow up makes them wake up every morning with a purpose in life. What if we told some of them the truth? “No they can be anything they want. Those kids are different. Your parents work in the mill and hate being told what to do so they came home everyday and the roles reverse. Now they’re the boss and they get to tell you what to do so they control every aspect of your life conditioning you to be unable to function effectivly without someone else in charge until you finally realize your father’s main function in life was to hold your spot at the mill.

The pain that kind of truth causes will make an eight year old boy slapl a girl he hasn’t even knocked up yet, just in case she wasn’t sure he was the boss.

When you’re stupid, and your job requires you to act smart, you act like people you think are smart.  But you’re stupid so how do you know if they’re smart?  You’re obviously a shitty judge of character because you don’t even know how dumb you are.  Who told you it was okay to tell a bunch of kids they were all winners even though, deep down, you know most of them suck? The same people that told us as Americans we’re #1 even though most of us are too dumb to ask, #1 in what?
Literacy? Nope. That’s Norway and there are more of them living here than in their own damn country. Are we #1 in percentage of college graduates? Nope, that’s New Zealand which is also #1 in percentage of goat herders. What that means is the guy hitting the goat in the balls with a stick probably has a better education than the one teaching my kids.

We got the first man in space right? Nope, Russia. First white nation with a black president? Cuba, and we won’t even talk to them. Damn it. Are we at least the happiest to be here? Not even close. Iceland’s citizens are the happiest to live in their country and their asses could freeze to any chair they sit. In the United States, that shit only happens in frat houses.
What ARE we #1 in? Spending, debt, consumption, plastic surgery, teen pregnancy, abortion, obesity, and exporting waste. Our flag should have a fat pregnant chic with a boob job and a gucci purse full of cheetos shitting in a bucket postmarked for Mexico on it.
We tell people we’re winners when all evidence indicates we’re not. This country makes mistakes other countries made 500 years ago because we’re still a young country. We’ve got no experience. But that doesn’t stop us from going all over the world telling other people how it’s supposed to be done. Remember what you are when you constantly talk about things you know nothing about?  That’s right. Stupid.  
We’re stupid, but we’re still here. That’s what we should be teaching kids. This isn’t the greatest country because we’re better at everything. It’s the greatest country because you can fuck up and still have the opportunity to make it. We can get lost in a mall looking for the Gap which as dumb, but it’s not as bad as getting lost on a dirt road looking for water. Don’t teach kids they don’t have to try because they’re already winners. Teach them to try as hard as they can and if they fuck up, they can always start over. This is the land of opportunity. We have steroids in baseball, dogfights in football, and we hate soccer because we suck at it. You can still grow up to be a president that gets his dick sucked, a governor that sucks dick, or, just one of the many people in this country that occasionally suck at what they’re trying to do.