This “we’re all winners” thing is still running around in my head and now I wonder who decided we’re all winners anyway? I think it’s the young teachers, fresh out of college, who can’t teach from experience because they don’t have any. But they still teach, with no experience. If you constantly talk about things you know nothing about, you’re not a winner, or a loser. You’re just stupid.
When you’re stupid, and your job requires you to act smart, you act like people you think are smart. But you’re stupid so how do you know if they’re smart? You’re obviously a shitty judge of character because you don’t even know how dumb you are. Who told you it was okay to tell a bunch of kids they were all winners even though, deep down, you know most of them suck? The same people that told us as Americans we’re #1 even though most of us are too dumb to ask, #1 in what?
Literacy? Nope. That’s Norway and there are more of them living here than in their own damn country. Are we #1 in percentage of college graduates? Nope, that’s New Zealand which is also #1 in percentage of goat herders. What that means is the guy hitting the goat in the balls with a stick probably has a better education than the one teaching my kids.
We got the first man in space right? Nope, Russia. First white nation with a black president? Cuba, and we won’t even talk to them. Damn it. Are we at least the happiest to be here? Not even close. Iceland’s citizens are the happiest to live in their country and their asses could freeze to any chair they sit. In the United States, that shit only happens in frat houses.
What ARE we #1 in? Spending, debt, consumption, plastic surgery, teen pregnancy, abortion, obesity, and exporting waste. Our flag should have a fat pregnant chic with a boob job and a gucci purse full of cheetos shitting in a bucket postmarked for Mexico on it.
We tell people we’re winners when all evidence indicates we’re not. This country makes mistakes other countries made 500 years ago because we’re still a young country. We’ve got no experience. But that doesn’t stop us from going all over the world telling other people how it’s supposed to be done. Remember what you are when you constantly talk about things you know nothing about? That’s right. Stupid.
We’re stupid, but we’re still here. That’s what we should be teaching kids. This isn’t the greatest country because we’re better at everything. It’s the greatest country because you can fuck up and still have the opportunity to make it. We can get lost in a mall looking for the Gap which as dumb, but it’s not as bad as getting lost on a dirt road looking for water. Don’t teach kids they don’t have to try because they’re already winners. Teach them to try as hard as they can and if they fuck up, they can always start over. This is the land of opportunity. We have steroids in baseball, dogfights in football, and we hate soccer because we suck at it. You can still grow up to be a president that gets his dick sucked, a governor that sucks dick, or, just one of the many people in this country that occasionally suck at what they’re trying to do.
I am the winner of every argument that I have with my children. I realize this won’t last forever but while I’m still on top I like to gloat about it. Right now it’s easy to win. I don’t have to put much thought into my points I merely have to repeat something witty that was said to me when I was a kid.
If one of the girls yells at their mother I get to step in with, “I don’t allow anyone to speak to my wife that way, especially not you. She has spent years building this household and in doing so has earned the respect of all those around her and you will acknowledge the deserved level of respect and you will administer it as such. Even though you think you’re an individual you need to also recall that you’re a member of the household that she built and where she is one of only two authoritative figures and you should perceive your placement not as punishment or poor social standing but rather as an opportunity to earn your place in the same role.”
This causes a child to simply stare for a while and then whisper, “how… how did you do that?”
To which I reply, “Your father’s soul has been around for centuries and he has seen it all.”
I say shit like that because I can’t tell them the truth. The answer to “how did you do that?” Can never be “Because your daddy did the same shit in sept of 76 and your great grandfather gave him a verbal raping that was way worse than the one you just got but you’ll never find out about it because you have a short attention span and he’s dead.”
Oh, and you can pick up the new album on digstation here. I’ll be putting up more live shit for download soon.
If you’ve already watched the video then you should know the woman in question was arrested after the incident you just viewed took place in a Verizon store in Alabama. I visit Alabama frequently, always enjoy my time there, and quite frankly I expected more from them on this one. The entire situation disgusts me and it makes me realize what a hateful society we have become.
Here we have a poor, innocent, young mother shopping by herself with her 3 year old son. She obviously has a very heavy bag in her right hand and is in quite a hurry. Her son appears to be in a desperate need for a nap and from experience I can tell you the floors in a Verizon store are very soft. She had probably promised to play with the young lad later that day by towing him behind an ATV in a field or perhaps assisting him with a little bumper skiing down a quiet country road. As it does when shopping with children time got away from her and she was forced to combine activities so as not break little Timmy’s heart. While rushing thru the store she realized it was getting close to nap time, she can’t carry him and the bag, and as she stopped to ensure the leash was around his chest and not his neck she asked if he would like to play a little game in the store while he got some rest. Before he could answer she gave his heels a quick kick, the leash a forceful yet loving yank, and yelped for him to hang on! The shock of the impact instantly put the boy in a REM state where he could blissfully dream the dragging motions his body was experiencing were taking place in a cartoon with monkeys and dolphins swimming in a pool of chocolate milk miles away from all the meth labs.
Arresting this woman for taking time out of her busy day to be a mother to her child is appalling. We need to get our shit together america.
You ever wonder why I'm still here? How I sit upright? If I'm even still alive?
Most opponents of socialized medicine are people who really don’t understand exactly how it works. As someone who has an entire family living in countries with socialized medical systems, I do understand it because I’ve seen it in action. I’m here to tell you it’s a wonderful thing.
The greatest thing about socialized medicine is that if you have enough money, you don’t have to use it. The long hours we spend in emergency rooms, doctor’s offices, and testing facilities are a thing of the past. With a socialized system if you or your insurance company pay for those services you move straight to the front of the line. You’d probably get mugged in the lobby with all those poor people so now you’re not just paying for your time, you’re paying for your safety as well.
When you agree to pay more and jump to the front of the line you’re stepping into the political arena. Now you’re using a socialized system to better define lines between social classes. You’re saying “If you die it creates less of a burden on society than if they were forced to do without me,” and you’re probably right. It’s not really what socialism is all about but we’ve already decided we don’t want it anyway so who cares? We’ll just use the parts that work for us and make up the rest as we go along. Isn’t that what we’re doing with democracy?
Socialized medicine also cures many of the health problems plaguing our country today. And by cures I means kills all the people that have them. Diabetes, heart disease, AIDS, cancer, all these things take a very long time to properly diagnose. Once they have been detected more tests need to be completed to determine the proper treatment and then arrangements have to be made to obtain that treatment. If we as acceptable members of society are constantly stepping in front of the sick then these services will be delayed even further, pushing the majority of those afflicted with disease and poor social standing right into their non-government funded grave. With all the sick and non-desirables falling off we will rapidly become one of the healthiest countries in the world.
Another great thing about socialized medicine is the public opinion of celebrities and government officials who don’t use it. If you’re going to be on the side of the people, you’ve got to ensure they think you live like they do. Do you think Larry King would still be on the air if this system was in place? His 2nd heart attack would only have taken place in an alternate reality. In our world he would have withered away preventing our grief and that of several of his future ex-wives. On air memories of Regis Philben, Barbara Walters, and the majority of the cast of 60 minutes would be as distant as the last time we saw Cronkite live. Presidents would become younger and the Supreme Court would be able to chew their own food. The elderly would finally do what they are intended to do, die. Sure there would be a few that we would have rather kept around but we could more than make up for their loss with the new ability to lower taxes due to all the extra money they left behind in the social security system.
I’m sure you can now see that those making statements against socialized medicine can’t fully understand the benefits the system offers. Let’s hope we can push them aside and become the rich, young, and healthy nation we set out to be.
When I was a kid all I wanted to do was grow up so I would always know exactly what to do like all the other adults. Now I’m 35 and I’ve got two kids who want to grow up and always know exactly what to do like me and mommy… the two people who have been faking it since day one. The only way I could get my wife to agree to taking our first daughter home from the hospital was to tell her, “stupid people have kids every day and you hardly ever read about them dying.” Did I know more than my wife about raising kids? How could I? I learned you’re supposed to wipe a girls ass front to back from a Kevin Smith movie. The only difference between me and my wife on that day was she was too stressed out to remember we learned pretty much everything we know by getting it wrong the first time. We brought that new TV home and got it working so there’s a good chance we could take the kid home and as long as she didn’t bleed out or starve to death she’d work one day too.
Five years later the kid was working fine. She fetched the occasional beer, there was no felony record, and as far as we knew she was still a virgin. We had done a good job. It took the school system to screw her up. Kindergarten taught my kid there really is no reason to try hard because in the end we’re all winners. Isn’t that great? Relax the pressure is off we’re all WINNERS! Yeah, your teachers are all winners too! All of them, even the one’s who make half as much money as the one’s who have masters degrees. They’re all teachers so they’re all WINNERS! Your art teacher is a winner. She’s cheating on her husband with the guy who mops piss off the restroom floors, her 2nd car is about to get repo’d, and she just bought her 12 year old daughter a $400 purse. You know why? Because she’s a winner. Your gym teacher is a winner. He had a loosing unproductive season 10 years in a row when he coached high school baseball so now he chases fat kids around an unused dodge ball court and picks up extra cash selling weed he scores off the art teacher’s daughter. Making the best of a bad situation, that’s what winners do.
Any adult screaming “we’re all winners” is a fucking loser. Instead of getting inspired to do better when they witness someone else’s success, they try to even the playing field by bring them down to their level. I’ve failed in life but you didn’t. I never doubted you which means I stood by you so I guess “we did it.” “We” did it together. Did you see “us?” Fuck you. I did it. I win, you loose. The fat kid in the band has never helped the team. He may graduate from MIT and make enough cash to buy Texas, and if he does he’s a winner. After the last football game his senior year he didn’t get a trophy. He got a fat girlfriend and a blister on his ass. The pain of them both turned a loser into a winner. If he had just gotten the trophy he would have been able to settle for just teaching my kid.
I’ve spent most of my time in the comedy business despising Pauly Shore. Mainly because he’s a guy who had a close friendship with Sam Kinison yet his act looks more like he spent most of his time hanging with Jake Busey. That’s why it’s kind of upsetting that he may have pulled of something with his new film, Adopted.
I could be throwing myself under the bus here, but this looks kinda… well… funny.
I’m back after spending a week in seclusion. Not Hollywood seclusion where people have to climb trees to take pictures of your nips, just the most seclusion my tax bracket allowed. Specifically, Hilton Head, SC. It’s a pretty interesting place once you realize that back in the 50’s a man had a dream to take an entire island and hide it in plain site. Today, that man’s dream has come true. Don’t believe me? I challenge you to find anything on that island without a GPS. All buildings are hidden in the woods. All the signs are low to the ground and look exactly alike. All the communities are gated. In 14 miles of beach front property we never saw a single public beach access… or minority without an apron.
I can’t completely shit on the island. It was a very peaceful vacation that I think I enjoyed mainly due to the fact that I was able to just spend some quiet time with my family. Kerry White thinks I just enjoyed being somewhere it was safe to drunkenly neglect my children. Ask my wife if you want a tie breaker vote. Either way I intentionally visited this place full of those that think differently than I so to pay them back I thought I’d provide them with a free design for a t-shirt they can sell next year to compete with Myrtle Beach’s bike week.
