Sorry for the long break from the blog. I’ve been working on some projects and basically decided you fuckers would be here when I got back. Looks like I was right.

I’ll update more later this week but for now, here’s a peak at one of the projects.

Short film coming soon.

I was going to insert pictures into this post but they wouldn’t fit.  You’re about to find out why.

On his show Monday, Howard Stern “attacked” Precious actress Gabourey Sidibe by saying “There’s the most enormous, fat black chick I’ve ever seen. She is enormous. Everyone’s pretending she’s a part of show business and she’s never going to be in another movie.”  Apparently attack means pointing out the facts because that’s kinda what he did.  Stern lives in a bubble made of cash so this probably is the fattest black chick he’s ever seen.  I live in the land of crisco and butter and I know she’s the biggest bitch on my radar.  As far as the statement about her being in another movie… the nicest way it can be said is that she will never pass the required physical.  Another way would be to say that Gabourey Sidibe is this decade’s Eric Stoltz.  He went thru 2,000 hours of makeup for his Rocky Horror Picture Show and he’s been locked in supporting rolls for 25 years.  The only thing Precious is supporting is a KFC franchise.

Now to my favorite part.  Jessica Simpson (I didn’t see it coming either) rushed to Gabourey’s aid and said, “I absolutely 100 percent think she could get anything in the world that she wants.”  This would normally go completely unnoticed by me except for the fact that Brendon over at WWTDD picked up on it and posted, “I agree. Just as long as everything she wants is on the first floor and within range of her Rascal. Or if she really wants diabetes and heart failure.”  I wish I had written that so I could use it on stage and tag it with, “If what she wants is at the top of the steps, Johnny Depp is going to have to burn her fucking house down.”

It should be noted for any racists that may be reading this, this puppy was white.  I think we’ve all learned something here.  Carry on.

Looks like someone will be putting a little more love in the next meal

The more I look back on my life the more I realize things have gotten progressively better when I simply decided not to settle.  The less I settle, the more I notice those who do.  I generally try to stay out of it until they ask my opinion.  At that point I’m either the guy with the answers or that prick who told them what they didn’t want to hear.  It’s becoming baffling to me.

Why do you spend ever week going back and forth to a job you hate?  Quit, do something you want to do.  You’re probably not going to starve to death and if you do then you weren’t really contributing to society anyway.

You’re sick stupid, go to the doctor.  Thera-flu doesn’t cure the flu, it treats the symptoms.  There’s a person in an office that can cure you if you’ll simply shut up and do what they say.  And when you get there, don’t ask them what the commercial told you to ask.  The writer responsible for that script is not someone you’d trust with a finger in your ass so why are you letting them dictate what treatment you think you want?

Question everyone.  In elementary school I learned Columbus was a hero.  In Jr. High I learned who paid him to be a hero.  In my 20’s I learned he was a mass murderer and a thief.  Don’t believe “the facts” until YOU have researched the facts.  People are stupid and if you’re not careful they’ll make you that way too.

Learn to bitch.  One of the simplest ideas I use to live my life came from Goodfellas. “Fuck you, pay me.”  AT&T charged you too much and won’t give you a refund?  Fuck you, pay me.  The bank wants to add fees to your account without telling you?  Fuck you, pay me.  Our house burned a few years ago and the insurance adjuster tried screw us out of a lot of our money by setting unrealistic deadlines on our paperwork.  I never complained I just organized 10 of our closest friends to help and we cut his deadline in half.  We got every penny.  Fuck you, pay me.

But who am I to give you advice?  My HDTV only gets about 20 channels that don’t look like shit.  I’ve been punched and shot and didn’t swing or shoot back.  I love my iPhone but it’s still connecting to AT&T.  Maybe you should be listening to someone with better standards.

When I was a kid all I wanted to do was grow up so I would always know exactly what to do like all the other adults. Now I’m 35 and I’ve got two kids who want to grow up and always know exactly what to do like me and mommy… the two people who have been faking it since day one. The only way I could get my wife to agree to taking our first daughter home from the hospital was to tell her, “stupid people have kids every day and you hardly ever read about them dying.” Did I know more than my wife about raising kids? How could I? I learned you’re supposed to wipe a girls ass front to back from a Kevin Smith movie. The only difference between me and my wife on that day was she was too stressed out to remember we learned pretty much everything we know by getting it wrong the first time. We brought that new TV home and got it working so there’s a good chance we could take the kid home and as long as she didn’t bleed out or starve to death she’d work one day too.

Five years later the kid was working fine. She fetched the occasional beer, there was no felony record, and as far as we knew she was still a virgin. We had done a good job. It took the school system to screw her up. Kindergarten taught my kid there really is no reason to try hard because in the end we’re all winners. Isn’t that great? Relax the pressure is off we’re all WINNERS! Yeah, your teachers are all winners too! All of them, even the one’s who make half as much money as the one’s who have masters degrees. They’re all teachers so they’re all WINNERS! Your art teacher is a winner. She’s cheating on her husband with the guy who mops piss off the restroom floors, her 2nd car is about to get repo’d, and she just bought her 12 year old daughter a $400 purse. You know why? Because she’s a winner. Your gym teacher is a winner. He had a loosing unproductive season 10 years in a row when he coached high school baseball so now he chases fat kids around an unused dodge ball court and picks up extra cash selling weed he scores off the art teacher’s daughter. Making the best of a bad situation, that’s what winners do.

Any adult screaming “we’re all winners” is a fucking loser. Instead of getting inspired to do better when they witness someone else’s success, they try to even the playing field by bring them down to their level. I’ve failed in life but you didn’t. I never doubted you which means I stood by you so I guess “we did it.” “We” did it together. Did you see “us?” Fuck you. I did it. I win, you loose. The fat kid in the band has never helped the team. He may graduate from MIT and make enough cash to buy Texas, and if he does he’s a winner. After the last football game his senior year he didn’t get a trophy. He got a fat girlfriend and a blister on his ass. The pain of them both turned a loser into a winner. If he had just gotten the trophy he would have been able to settle for just teaching my kid.

I’m pretty sure you should relax if a hard stare thru a webcam can crack a rib.

Matt Davis and me + beer + a guy who wants someone to pay to punch him in he face + a pocket full of cash = video gold.

The chair was recently released from Guantanamo Bay

A 14 year old Chinese boy was killed when the desk chair’s gas cylinder attempted to escape into his asshole.  Some are saying (no they’re not, it’s just me) this was his father’s lame attempt to get him to [insert random 1980's punchline here].

The proof is at exit 99 on I-79 where for less than $7 you can purchase a final meal that will make you shit your own heart.

Photo credit goes to Matt Davis. If all goes well this weekend I’ll post some more pictures he took of his girlfriend’s vagina.