It should be noted for any racists that may be reading this, this puppy was white.  I think we’ve all learned something here.  Carry on.

Looks like someone will be putting a little more love in the next meal

The more I look back on my life the more I realize things have gotten progressively better when I simply decided not to settle.  The less I settle, the more I notice those who do.  I generally try to stay out of it until they ask my opinion.  At that point I’m either the guy with the answers or that prick who told them what they didn’t want to hear.  It’s becoming baffling to me.

Why do you spend ever week going back and forth to a job you hate?  Quit, do something you want to do.  You’re probably not going to starve to death and if you do then you weren’t really contributing to society anyway.

You’re sick stupid, go to the doctor.  Thera-flu doesn’t cure the flu, it treats the symptoms.  There’s a person in an office that can cure you if you’ll simply shut up and do what they say.  And when you get there, don’t ask them what the commercial told you to ask.  The writer responsible for that script is not someone you’d trust with a finger in your ass so why are you letting them dictate what treatment you think you want?

Question everyone.  In elementary school I learned Columbus was a hero.  In Jr. High I learned who paid him to be a hero.  In my 20’s I learned he was a mass murderer and a thief.  Don’t believe “the facts” until YOU have researched the facts.  People are stupid and if you’re not careful they’ll make you that way too.

Learn to bitch.  One of the simplest ideas I use to live my life came from Goodfellas. “Fuck you, pay me.”  AT&T charged you too much and won’t give you a refund?  Fuck you, pay me.  The bank wants to add fees to your account without telling you?  Fuck you, pay me.  Our house burned a few years ago and the insurance adjuster tried screw us out of a lot of our money by setting unrealistic deadlines on our paperwork.  I never complained I just organized 10 of our closest friends to help and we cut his deadline in half.  We got every penny.  Fuck you, pay me.

But who am I to give you advice?  My HDTV only gets about 20 channels that don’t look like shit.  I’ve been punched and shot and didn’t swing or shoot back.  I love my iPhone but it’s still connecting to AT&T.  Maybe you should be listening to someone with better standards.

When I was a kid all I wanted to do was grow up so I would always know exactly what to do like all the other adults. Now I’m 35 and I’ve got two kids who want to grow up and always know exactly what to do like me and mommy… the two people who have been faking it since day one. The only way I could get my wife to agree to taking our first daughter home from the hospital was to tell her, “stupid people have kids every day and you hardly ever read about them dying.” Did I know more than my wife about raising kids? How could I? I learned you’re supposed to wipe a girls ass front to back from a Kevin Smith movie. The only difference between me and my wife on that day was she was too stressed out to remember we learned pretty much everything we know by getting it wrong the first time. We brought that new TV home and got it working so there’s a good chance we could take the kid home and as long as she didn’t bleed out or starve to death she’d work one day too.

Five years later the kid was working fine. She fetched the occasional beer, there was no felony record, and as far as we knew she was still a virgin. We had done a good job. It took the school system to screw her up. Kindergarten taught my kid there really is no reason to try hard because in the end we’re all winners. Isn’t that great? Relax the pressure is off we’re all WINNERS! Yeah, your teachers are all winners too! All of them, even the one’s who make half as much money as the one’s who have masters degrees. They’re all teachers so they’re all WINNERS! Your art teacher is a winner. She’s cheating on her husband with the guy who mops piss off the restroom floors, her 2nd car is about to get repo’d, and she just bought her 12 year old daughter a $400 purse. You know why? Because she’s a winner. Your gym teacher is a winner. He had a loosing unproductive season 10 years in a row when he coached high school baseball so now he chases fat kids around an unused dodge ball court and picks up extra cash selling weed he scores off the art teacher’s daughter. Making the best of a bad situation, that’s what winners do.

Any adult screaming “we’re all winners” is a fucking loser. Instead of getting inspired to do better when they witness someone else’s success, they try to even the playing field by bring them down to their level. I’ve failed in life but you didn’t. I never doubted you which means I stood by you so I guess “we did it.” “We” did it together. Did you see “us?” Fuck you. I did it. I win, you loose. The fat kid in the band has never helped the team. He may graduate from MIT and make enough cash to buy Texas, and if he does he’s a winner. After the last football game his senior year he didn’t get a trophy. He got a fat girlfriend and a blister on his ass. The pain of them both turned a loser into a winner. If he had just gotten the trophy he would have been able to settle for just teaching my kid.

I’m pretty sure you should relax if a hard stare thru a webcam can crack a rib.

Matt Davis and me + beer + a guy who wants someone to pay to punch him in he face + a pocket full of cash = video gold.

The chair was recently released from Guantanamo Bay

A 14 year old Chinese boy was killed when the desk chair’s gas cylinder attempted to escape into his asshole.  Some are saying (no they’re not, it’s just me) this was his father’s lame attempt to get him to [insert random 1980's punchline here].

The proof is at exit 99 on I-79 where for less than $7 you can purchase a final meal that will make you shit your own heart.

Photo credit goes to Matt Davis. If all goes well this weekend I’ll post some more pictures he took of his girlfriend’s vagina.

There is no caption that tops the stupid look in this picture

Now that you know about Shitzu the shit bucket, it’s time you met Sam.  Sam is an 8 year old Valley Bulldog.  Somewhere there are papers that say she’s an English Bulldog but she’s as English as Puerto Rican’s are black.  I don’t care what texture your hair is, deep down you still want a job (Sorry, I just watched Gran Torino).  I don’t really remember the reason behind getting Sam, mostly because those memories were replaced by those of a bulldog shitting thru the front of a cage.  At just 4 months Sam had the amazing ability to shit on 6’ of wall and not get a single drop on the floor.  It was as if she was able to strafe down the hall while vomiting out her asshole.  Aside from her fecal ability, Sam is also living proof that dogs can be retarded.  This is not a hack chance to use the word retarded, it’s just the only word that make sense.  Retarded children do not respond well to a lack of routine to the point that sometimes they are unable to adjust to even the simplest change.  If you put Sam’s food bowl behind her, she will starve to death.  They don’t realize their own strength even to the point of hurting themselves.  Sam once ran full speed into the side of a car that had been parked in the same place for 3 days.  IQ for retardation is less than 75.  Sam can’t count and lets other dogs piss in her mouth.

Why the long face? You can afford it.

I’m typically sympathetic of those that are considered different from the crowd.  I have no problem with different races or cultures as long as they’re not violent towards others for being different.  If you’re religious and don’t haze me for not believing what you do, I’ll hide your beer in my basement.  I’m all for giving gays all the rights the straights have.  After all, without gay women, we’d have no porn industry.  Without the porn industry, we’d still be choosing between VHS and BetaMax and sock factories would be dropping like flies in this economy.  I don’t even have a problem with the guy that got fucked by the horse in Enumclaw a few years back.  The horse seemed to prove his point and hopefully others learned that they grow those mini me stallions for a reason.

But even with my obvious caring nature, I’m finding that I have a serious problem with the transgender community.  Quite frankly, I think you’re all fucking nuts.  The way I’m looking at it thinking that you’re meant to be a different sex is no different than thinking you’re three different people or that your dog just asked you to kill all the hookers in the meat packing district (hide the Jim Jones biographies from that retriever).  This is by far not a religious statement otherwise at some point I’d be throwing the gays under the bus.  I’m a firm believer than sucking a cock is vastly different than removing one.  

So in order to disagree with this life theory, I guess I have to analyze possible reasons for it.  Maybe they think we won’t notice, and in that case they are motherfuckin mistaken.  I’ve walked down many a city street in more than one country and immediately known that a particular young “lady” knows a lot about men because she used to be one.  Maybe the sex life will get better.  That must be it because when I think great sex life the first thing that comes to mind is the complete and total lack of an orgasm.  If there were no orgasms in life the Flying J truckstops would have closed years ago.  Maybe they just need to wear different clothes.  I’m pretty sure neither sex needs surgery for that.  Women in men’s clothes is standard now and a few weeks ago I saw a rather muscular black male walking down a Philly street wearing high tops and a dress.  I assure you, none of us would have approached this gentleman to comment on any choices he’s made.

Now that I’ve actually thought about it more while typing this, I’m not angry at the TG’s and I’ll be treating them the same as everyone else I meet.  They will take the same verbal lashing (not tongue, not tongue, damn it I almost typed tongue) that one of my friends would if he told me he needed a vagina in his pants.  But in the end, I’d still buy ‘em a beer.