Believe it or not, this website is not just some internet chump. It’s a highly technical network much like a 1920’s pimp working several different corners all the while letting each think they are my special place. I put information on this site, then my bottom bitch (twitter) spreads herpes the word to those waiting for the next post. A few of my other bitches (facebook, google, etc) help promote me as well and I’m always on the look out for another way to get my name out there keep my pimp hand strong.
This week while looking for new corners, the RSS feed for the very blog that you’re reading was rejected because “The content is inappropriate for syndication.” I didn’t get pissed off or go on some freedom of speech rant. I’m completely aware I’m allowed to say whatever I want, but nobody has to listen or help me repeat it. I wasn’t disappointed that I was rejected. No, I’m actually kind of proud. I’m not the edgiest comic on the block (Doug Stanhope). I don’t have a lot of life experiences that scare the average human (Kerry White). No one has ever had to tape my pants on so I wouldn’t pull my dick out on stage (Paul Hooper). I’ve never convinced an entire room full of people that retard porn is good for the economy (Matt Davis). I’ve never called a flag magnet the “aids ribbon of patriotism” (still my favorite hardcore line from Josh Goguen). And I’ve never got a standing ovation while mimicking a kick to my mother’s chemo bag (Mo Alexander).
Nope, I’m just a loud, arrogant, hick that likes to yell about living with 6 vaginas in a small town in the south. As simple as that sounds to both you and me, today I’m pretty proud of the fact that a nameless/faceless soul found the time to put his pizza and chocolate milk on his mother’s counter long enough to greasily poke out an email to let me know he actually read my blog and as the spokesperson for the uncensored world of internet syndication he has deemed my thoughts too dirty to help me spread my seed to soccer moms in western Iowa. Thank you sir for your honesty and I consider your opinion a compliment. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to watch a video of that same western Iowa soccer mom unscrewing the lid off the shampoo in her pussy without twisting the bottle.
Adwana - the 2nd in a house full of fucked up names
As with all true love stories, this one begins in a bar. On Halloween night in 1999, I was making my annual drunk rounds to all the bars in whatever rude costume I could put together. That year I was especially proud because my costume included a 28” cock. While at my first stop, the bar I spent most of my free time at anyway, I was informed the young lady who was the fortunate owner of the great ass I’d been watching for months was newly single. I made my move with the expected bravado that a large penis and a bunch of beer gives you and by that I mean she came to me. She walked over with a dessert tray and stated, “I’m on here too, but I’m more than $2.50.” Obviously she wanted to build a family with me.
We hit it off very well on our first date and quickly arranged a second. A few days later I found out that things went so well she got back with her boyfriend. I needed to move quickly to show her I was the better man so I took every girl I was banging to sit with me in her section at the bar. A month later I was in… her vagina. For several months we built the foundation of our relationship by attempting to ignore the other people were both so obviously joining at bible study fucking. One afternoon I made a stop by her apartment only to witness the first clue of her complete lack of ability to manage her money, and another of her MacGyver like ability to keep a single room warm in a house with no gas or water. It was decided we should take this opportunity to become closer (closer = I no longer have to drive all the way across town to hit it). We gathered most of her things that day and for the next three months she lived in a house with 5 dogs and my bitchy roommate while I travelled 5 days a week. When the time came to discuss our problems we did what all mature adults do. I ignored her, she started seeing someone else, and I tossed her shit in the yard.
Three months later I was back in… her vagina. At this point we were living in a duplex short 1200 square feet, one roommate, and two dogs. Things were going so well with my job we were contemplating a move to Boca Raton, FL. At some point during this period I proposed, she accepted, and then we decided not to move to FL. I checked my bank account and asked do we get married or buy a house. Two days later, we bought a house. I asked do we get married or remodel the kitchen. We spent the next 8 months with a microwave and refrigerator in the den. Stalling became expensive so to profess my love I went to Italy for three weeks with a buddy of mine. We already know what happened when I got back in… her vagina.
Since she was pregnant we both reacted like every sensible couple that’s been engaged for two years. I mentioned we should quit stalling. She accused me of only wanting to marry her because she was pregnant. I explained pregnant women get fat and fat chicks only turn me on in college bar bathrooms. Her hormones made her really horny. Our love blossomed. She planned a $10,000 wedding in Salisbury. We flew to Vegas for a week and came back married and threw a $1,000 party.
This blog is getting long, but people that know me will call me out if I leave out certain details so I’ll just say this. We’re still together despite the following:
-She got so drunk and pissed at me one time she tried to Matrix kick me with both feet. I stepped backwards and now we have a story to tell at parties that doesn’t involve nudity.
-We once drove two hours to a bar and I forced her friend to show me her tits in appreciation of our appearance.
-She won’t let me put it in her butt.
-I’ve seen a few of her friends naked. They won’t let me put it in their butt either.
-I’ve told the following lies about her on stage to thousands of people: She drank Jager in the delivery room, I had a minogue with her and her sister, I had to wait in like to bang her after work, and many, many others.
-Her mother is a cunt. So is her sister and her niece.
-Somewhere out there is a picture of her watching me hold a stranger’s breasts in front of a comedy club.
-While typing this blog I responded to one of her texts with a statement that involved our eldest giving hand jobs to a elementary school vice principal.
The young man in the picture is my new project. To protect his anonymity, we’ll call him Hepbee because he probably has it. The great thing about lil’ Hepbee is he was born in just the right place at just the right time. If you’ve ever read anything by Malcolm Gladwell you know these things will shape the rest of your life. That’s where I come in. Thanks to Sally Struthers, I’m able to feed this young man for $0.25 a day. Thanks to the One Laptop per Child program, he’s able to earn that quarter.
As the bible will tell you if you give a man a fish you feed him for a day, but if you give him laptop and a bowl of wheat he can find the best time and place to fish in Costa Rica, book you a discount flight and tour guide, and even email the cab service that will pick you up at the airport. If we’ve learned anything these past couple years it’s that this economic crisis is not national, it’s global. By picking an assistant with a solar powered laptop that lives close to the equator, I get a 12 hour work day with no carbon footprint.
I think we can all agree that I’m a shining example of the change that’s needed in this world. I hope more of you can follow my lead.
This train track runs thru the middle of the small town I live in. There are five places to cross the tracks within a 1/2 mile and two of them are impossible with a truck and a trailer. The town is littered with signs informing drivers of this issue yet at least once a week I get to look at a scene exactly like the one above I photographed this morning. There are however a few things the picture doesn’t show you:
1. The man in orange is attempting to jack up a fully loaded 53′ trailer and rest it on a wooden pallet.
2. On the other side of the truck is a train waiting very impatiently.
3. This has been going on for 3 hours.
4. In 15 more minutes, there will be two trains waiting… only the next one is coming the opposite direction.
5. Someone in the crowd watching this fiasco is blaming it on Obama.
This is the problem with living in a free country. If the same scenario took place in China the truck driver would have pulled that trailer thru an elementary school to keep from disobeying those signs. I think we can all learn something from this. Instructions on signs must be followed.
There is no caption that tops the stupid look in this picture
Now that you know about Shitzu the shit bucket, it’s time you met Sam. Sam is an 8 year old Valley Bulldog. Somewhere there are papers that say she’s an English Bulldog but she’s as English as Puerto Rican’s are black. I don’t care what texture your hair is, deep down you still want a job (Sorry, I just watched Gran Torino). I don’t really remember the reason behind getting Sam, mostly because those memories were replaced by those of a bulldog shitting thru the front of a cage. At just 4 months Sam had the amazing ability to shit on 6’ of wall and not get a single drop on the floor. It was as if she was able to strafe down the hall while vomiting out her asshole. Aside from her fecal ability, Sam is also living proof that dogs can be retarded. This is not a hack chance to use the word retarded, it’s just the only word that make sense. Retarded children do not respond well to a lack of routine to the point that sometimes they are unable to adjust to even the simplest change. If you put Sam’s food bowl behind her, she will starve to death. They don’t realize their own strength even to the point of hurting themselves. Sam once ran full speed into the side of a car that had been parked in the same place for 3 days. IQ for retardation is less than 75. Sam can’t count and lets other dogs piss in her mouth.
I’m typically sympathetic of those that are considered different from the crowd. I have no problem with different races or cultures as long as they’re not violent towards others for being different. If you’re religious and don’t haze me for not believing what you do, I’ll hide your beer in my basement. I’m all for giving gays all the rights the straights have. After all, without gay women, we’d have no porn industry. Without the porn industry, we’d still be choosing between VHS and BetaMax and sock factories would be dropping like flies in this economy. I don’t even have a problem with the guy that got fucked by the horse in Enumclaw a few years back. The horse seemed to prove his point and hopefully others learned that they grow those mini me stallions for a reason.
But even with my obvious caring nature, I’m finding that I have a serious problem with the transgender community. Quite frankly, I think you’re all fucking nuts. The way I’m looking at it thinking that you’re meant to be a different sex is no different than thinking you’re three different people or that your dog just asked you to kill all the hookers in the meat packing district (hide the Jim Jones biographies from that retriever). This is by far not a religious statement otherwise at some point I’d be throwing the gays under the bus. I’m a firm believer than sucking a cock is vastly different than removing one.
So in order to disagree with this life theory, I guess I have to analyze possible reasons for it. Maybe they think we won’t notice, and in that case they are motherfuckin mistaken. I’ve walked down many a city street in more than one country and immediately known that a particular young “lady” knows a lot about men because she used to be one. Maybe the sex life will get better. That must be it because when I think great sex life the first thing that comes to mind is the complete and total lack of an orgasm. If there were no orgasms in life the Flying J truckstops would have closed years ago. Maybe they just need to wear different clothes. I’m pretty sure neither sex needs surgery for that. Women in men’s clothes is standard now and a few weeks ago I saw a rather muscular black male walking down a Philly street wearing high tops and a dress. I assure you, none of us would have approached this gentleman to comment on any choices he’s made.
Now that I’ve actually thought about it more while typing this, I’m not angry at the TG’s and I’ll be treating them the same as everyone else I meet. They will take the same verbal lashing (not tongue, not tongue, damn it I almost typed tongue) that one of my friends would if he told me he needed a vagina in his pants. But in the end, I’d still buy ‘em a beer.
Scientology will be involved soon. That sticker is covering up a Valkyrie advertisement.
It’s not big news here yet, but give it a day or so and… wait, Fox News (http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,443705,00.html) is on it. The Atheist Bus is coming to town. Ariane Sherine noticed a mild religious advert (this is British news losers, we’re using the Queen’s English today) on the side of a London bus. When she went to the website she found it a little more aggressive than the ad, since it was forcefully explaining to her that she and all her atheist friends were going to “spend all eternity in torment.” As a retort, she got together with Richard Dawkins and attempted to raise $8,000 to put their own message on a few buses. In four days, they raised almost $150,000.
Their message is simply, “There probably is no god, now stop worrying and enjoy your life.” I’ve been reading news articles about this story for the last few hours and the more I read, the more I think we’re all finished. I thought it might be time for me to respond to a couple of the quotes that I’ve read.
Sandra Lafaire, a 76 year old from Los Angeles said, “I think it’s dreadful. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but I don’t like it in my face.” Well Sandra, I agree completely. Let’s fix this problem immediately. Have everyone stop knocking on my door at 8 am Saturday morning. I’m either on the road, or hung over. Either way I couldn’t give a fuck that only 250,000 people are getting into heaven. While we’re at it, I don’t want to see anymore church billboards or those shitty little marque signs. They’re too “in my face” and they’re blocking the view of the informational billboard that tells me what exit Georgia to take if I want a fat naked trucker whore to bring me a $12 microwave cheeseburger.
Paul Woolley, the director of the religious think tank Theos, said “It tells people to stop worrying, which is hardly going to be a great comfort for those who are concerned about losing jobs or homes in the recession. Stunts like this demonstrate how militant atheists are often great adverts for Christianity.” First, how telling people to stop worrying and enjoy their life not a comforting message? I’m thinking it’s a pretty relaxing message, rather laid back if you will. So laid back in fact that some of the unemployed people with homes in foreclosure may think that their remaining money is better spent supporting their family instead of the church. The got they support may be helping, but last I checked he wasn’t hiring. And second, how is the word “probably” a “militant” message? Don’t get me wrong, I know Dawkins is a militant atheist. He’s also a genius and an asshole which is why I like him so much. If you want a militant atheist message I’m sure he would be more than willing to burn one in your front yard in a language you’re too stupid to translate. Until then, accept the fact that this little sticker is nothing more than a peaceful, “what-if” statement. A lot like the things the hippies were saying about 40 years ago. Good thing your people got there in time to cave in some fucking skulls before the pot heads got too militant.
The extent of my 2008 political material was simply a joke about how if you really look at the TV all you have is an old white guy and a young black guy arguing and that hasn’t been on primetime since the 70’s when we had All in the Family. Now the election is over and once again the old white guy looks like an ass, I can retire this material and move on to discussing things I actually know something about. But before I do, here’s where I stand on a few of the issues I heard during the past election.
Free Shitty Healthcare
Aren’t we the same country that thinks our healthcare sucks? We can’t rid the earth of cancer, AIDS, or Crabs? We can wipe the plague from the face of the earth but we still have crabs hiding in hotel room sheets (I swear that’s where they came from)? If we don’t believe it’s working properly, why does it matter who pays the bill?
Pry it from my cold dead fingers
I’ve read more NRA propaganda saying that in 2009 they’re going to take away the guns. Here’s an idea assholes. Instead of preaching to the choir, how about educating politician who may not be aware of how gun control effects the masses. The smartest thing I ever heard Obama say on gun control was a statement he made admitting he was wrong in supporting a shitty IL gun control law. The smartest thing I ever heard an NRA spokesperson say is…
Joe Biden is an asshole
Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face. Ah…Shhhh. In the damn face.
Believe it or not, this website is not just some internet chump. It’s a highly technical network much like a 1920’s pimp working several different corners all the while letting each think they are my special place. I put information on this site, then my bottom bitch (twitter) spreads herpes the word to those waiting for the next post. A few of my other bitches (facebook, google, etc) help promote me as well and I’m always on the look out for another way to get my name out there keep my pimp hand strong.
