My lovely wife and some fag

Adwana - the 2nd in a house full of fucked up names

As with all true love stories, this one begins in a bar. On Halloween night in 1999, I was making my annual drunk rounds to all the bars in whatever rude costume I could put together. That year I was especially proud because my costume included a 28” cock. While at my first stop, the bar I spent most of my free time at anyway, I was informed the young lady who was the fortunate owner of the great ass I’d been watching for months was newly single. I made my move with the expected bravado that a large penis and a bunch of beer gives you and by that I mean she came to me. She walked over with a dessert tray and stated, “I’m on here too, but I’m more than $2.50.” Obviously she wanted to build a family with me.
We hit it off very well on our first date and quickly arranged a second. A few days later I found out that things went so well she got back with her boyfriend. I needed to move quickly to show her I was the better man so I took every girl I was banging to sit with me in her section at the bar. A month later I was in… her vagina. For several months we built the foundation of our relationship by attempting to ignore the other people were both so obviously joining at bible study fucking. One afternoon I made a stop by her apartment only to witness the first clue of her complete lack of ability to manage her money, and another of her MacGyver like ability to keep a single room warm in a house with no gas or water. It was decided we should take this opportunity to become closer (closer = I no longer have to drive all the way across town to hit it). We gathered most of her things that day and for the next three months she lived in a house with 5 dogs and my bitchy roommate while I travelled 5 days a week. When the time came to discuss our problems we did what all mature adults do. I ignored her, she started seeing someone else, and I tossed her shit in the yard.
Three months later I was back in… her vagina. At this point we were living in a duplex short 1200 square feet, one roommate, and two dogs. Things were going so well with my job we were contemplating a move to Boca Raton, FL. At some point during this period I proposed, she accepted, and then we decided not to move to FL. I checked my bank account and asked do we get married or buy a house. Two days later, we bought a house. I asked do we get married or remodel the kitchen. We spent the next 8 months with a microwave and refrigerator in the den. Stalling became expensive so to profess my love I went to Italy for three weeks with a buddy of mine. We already know what happened when I got back in… her vagina.
Since she was pregnant we both reacted like every sensible couple that’s been engaged for two years. I mentioned we should quit stalling. She accused me of only wanting to marry her because she was pregnant. I explained pregnant women get fat and fat chicks only turn me on in college bar bathrooms. Her hormones made her really horny. Our love blossomed. She planned a $10,000 wedding in Salisbury. We flew to Vegas for a week and came back married and threw a $1,000 party.
This blog is getting long, but people that know me will call me out if I leave out certain details so I’ll just say this. We’re still together despite the following:

-She got so drunk and pissed at me one time she tried to Matrix kick me with both feet. I stepped backwards and now we have a story to tell at parties that doesn’t involve nudity.

-We once drove two hours to a bar and I forced her friend to show me her tits in appreciation of our appearance.

-She won’t let me put it in her butt.

-I’ve seen a few of her friends naked. They won’t let me put it in their butt either.

-I’ve told the following lies about her on stage to thousands of people: She drank Jager in the delivery room, I had a minogue with her and her sister, I had to wait in like to bang her after work, and many, many others.

-Her mother is a cunt. So is her sister and her niece.

-Somewhere out there is a picture of her watching me hold a stranger’s breasts in front of a comedy club.

-While typing this blog I responded to one of her texts with a statement that involved our eldest giving hand jobs to a elementary school vice principal.