Looks like someone will be putting a little more love in the next meal

The more I look back on my life the more I realize things have gotten progressively better when I simply decided not to settle.  The less I settle, the more I notice those who do.  I generally try to stay out of it until they ask my opinion.  At that point I’m either the guy with the answers or that prick who told them what they didn’t want to hear.  It’s becoming baffling to me.

Why do you spend ever week going back and forth to a job you hate?  Quit, do something you want to do.  You’re probably not going to starve to death and if you do then you weren’t really contributing to society anyway.

You’re sick stupid, go to the doctor.  Thera-flu doesn’t cure the flu, it treats the symptoms.  There’s a person in an office that can cure you if you’ll simply shut up and do what they say.  And when you get there, don’t ask them what the commercial told you to ask.  The writer responsible for that script is not someone you’d trust with a finger in your ass so why are you letting them dictate what treatment you think you want?

Question everyone.  In elementary school I learned Columbus was a hero.  In Jr. High I learned who paid him to be a hero.  In my 20’s I learned he was a mass murderer and a thief.  Don’t believe “the facts” until YOU have researched the facts.  People are stupid and if you’re not careful they’ll make you that way too.

Learn to bitch.  One of the simplest ideas I use to live my life came from Goodfellas. “Fuck you, pay me.”  AT&T charged you too much and won’t give you a refund?  Fuck you, pay me.  The bank wants to add fees to your account without telling you?  Fuck you, pay me.  Our house burned a few years ago and the insurance adjuster tried screw us out of a lot of our money by setting unrealistic deadlines on our paperwork.  I never complained I just organized 10 of our closest friends to help and we cut his deadline in half.  We got every penny.  Fuck you, pay me.

But who am I to give you advice?  My HDTV only gets about 20 channels that don’t look like shit.  I’ve been punched and shot and didn’t swing or shoot back.  I love my iPhone but it’s still connecting to AT&T.  Maybe you should be listening to someone with better standards.

something to look forward to

There is a running joke in my house where friends will come by and ask my 6 year old if she received their email.  Her answer is always the same, “No, I don’t have a phone.”  It’s a pretty amazing response if you think about it.  As an adult I still think of my computer as the main source of my email even though I probably view 90% of it on my iPhone.  The iPhone has even taken over the baby’s mind as the only source of a hidden voice.  She has a toy flip phone but only picks up the iPhone to say hello because she’s never actually seen a flip phone in use.

As much as I see teenage girls ignore their parents while rudely texting from a restaurant dinner table, I actually think my eldest could benefit from a phone with this service.  It would correct the problem with her tone.   She can answer a question with perfect southern manners except for the fact that she’s sighing and rolling her eyes when she does it, something she’s obviously learned from the other children at school.  This shitty tone is often the reason behind her hasty launch from a bar stool.  If she could only respond with a text message we would never get a sense that she didn’t mean what she was saying.  She could send us a text from the basement informing us that she’s ever so sorry about leaving her bike in the driveway and as her mother and I looked at each other with a drunken 1950’s glaze in our eyes we would be protected from the fact that she typed the entire message with her middle finger while transferring porn to her ipod.  

Text messaging could become our poor man’s intercom.  It would almost certainly eliminate the long winded pre teen explanations of why Scotty can’t come to her birthday party because he talks to Cameron more than he does her.  Those conversations are easier spoken than typed and by not having to listen to them I can spare her my sighs and eye rolling.