I was going to insert pictures into this post but they wouldn’t fit.  You’re about to find out why.

On his show Monday, Howard Stern “attacked” Precious actress Gabourey Sidibe by saying “There’s the most enormous, fat black chick I’ve ever seen. She is enormous. Everyone’s pretending she’s a part of show business and she’s never going to be in another movie.”  Apparently attack means pointing out the facts because that’s kinda what he did.  Stern lives in a bubble made of cash so this probably is the fattest black chick he’s ever seen.  I live in the land of crisco and butter and I know she’s the biggest bitch on my radar.  As far as the statement about her being in another movie… the nicest way it can be said is that she will never pass the required physical.  Another way would be to say that Gabourey Sidibe is this decade’s Eric Stoltz.  He went thru 2,000 hours of makeup for his Rocky Horror Picture Show and he’s been locked in supporting rolls for 25 years.  The only thing Precious is supporting is a KFC franchise.

Now to my favorite part.  Jessica Simpson (I didn’t see it coming either) rushed to Gabourey’s aid and said, “I absolutely 100 percent think she could get anything in the world that she wants.”  This would normally go completely unnoticed by me except for the fact that Brendon over at WWTDD picked up on it and posted, “I agree. Just as long as everything she wants is on the first floor and within range of her Rascal. Or if she really wants diabetes and heart failure.”  I wish I had written that so I could use it on stage and tag it with, “If what she wants is at the top of the steps, Johnny Depp is going to have to burn her fucking house down.”

It should be noted for any racists that may be reading this, this puppy was white.  I think we’ve all learned something here.  Carry on.

Yes I live here in the states with you but it’s things like this that make me long to return to those in my family who live in a better place.  A place that allows this video to broadcast on public television and make an ass out of everyone with a TV news career since Walter Cronkite called Dan Rather a dipshit.

I’m growing tired of parents who insist on encouraging children who obviously suck, and then make excuses when they fail.  You get one lie.  Lie to me or the kid.  If you tell your kid he can be a doctor and then explain to me the reason he sweeps the floor in a sock factory is because he was sick for a month in the 2nd grade, you’re fucking with the natural order of the universe.

I honestly don’t mind hearing your excuses as long as you give them to me in front of the kid.  But I get really aggravated when little Keanu Diesel is eating cereal with his feet and you whisper to me it’s because he fell off the bed and landed on his head when he was eight months old.  Maybe that wasn’t the cause of his problems.  Maybe that was the first sign that he’s a dumb motherfucker.  Admit this to yourself and the rest of us will stop clenching in fear every time your teenage water head walks past a lawnmower.

At the same time lets all admit no one can be anything they want to be.  Obama can be president but he wouldn’t make it three days running a go cart track in Myrtle Beach.  The eight year old that spent his parent’s lot rent on the same track will never be president.  His parents work in the mill and hate being told what to do so they come home everyday and the roles reverse and now they’re the boss and they get to tell him what to do so they control every aspect of his life conditioning him to be unable to function effectively without someone else in charge until he finally realizes his father’s main function in life was to hold his spot at the mill.

One lie people.  Anything else is all yin and no yang.

The more I look back on my life the more I realize things have gotten progressively better when I simply decided not to settle.  The less I settle, the more I notice those who do.  I generally try to stay out of it until they ask my opinion.  At that point I’m either the guy with the answers or that prick who told them what they didn’t want to hear.  It’s becoming baffling to me.

Why do you spend ever week going back and forth to a job you hate?  Quit, do something you want to do.  You’re probably not going to starve to death and if you do then you weren’t really contributing to society anyway.

You’re sick stupid, go to the doctor.  Thera-flu doesn’t cure the flu, it treats the symptoms.  There’s a person in an office that can cure you if you’ll simply shut up and do what they say.  And when you get there, don’t ask them what the commercial told you to ask.  The writer responsible for that script is not someone you’d trust with a finger in your ass so why are you letting them dictate what treatment you think you want?

Question everyone.  In elementary school I learned Columbus was a hero.  In Jr. High I learned who paid him to be a hero.  In my 20’s I learned he was a mass murderer and a thief.  Don’t believe “the facts” until YOU have researched the facts.  People are stupid and if you’re not careful they’ll make you that way too.

Learn to bitch.  One of the simplest ideas I use to live my life came from Goodfellas. “Fuck you, pay me.”  AT&T charged you too much and won’t give you a refund?  Fuck you, pay me.  The bank wants to add fees to your account without telling you?  Fuck you, pay me.  Our house burned a few years ago and the insurance adjuster tried screw us out of a lot of our money by setting unrealistic deadlines on our paperwork.  I never complained I just organized 10 of our closest friends to help and we cut his deadline in half.  We got every penny.  Fuck you, pay me.

But who am I to give you advice?  My HDTV only gets about 20 channels that don’t look like shit.  I’ve been punched and shot and didn’t swing or shoot back.  I love my iPhone but it’s still connecting to AT&T.  Maybe you should be listening to someone with better standards.

I live in a pretty good neighborhood. For the most part I enjoy spending time with the people that live around me with only two real exceptions. Next door to me is an elderly couple who both seem to live off nothing more than toast, coffee, and the happiness of others. They’ve had confrontations with most of us about things like magical moving property lines, accusations that we weren’t living in our own homes because we were renting them, the demand to stop non-existant logging trucks from driving thru their yard, and threats to call the police when people park in front of my house because they can’t use the remaining 12 foot wide lane to get around them in their car. My responses have ranged from laughing in their face, to calling the police several weeks in a row to gain entry to their home due to my fear that my neighbors may have passed away in their sleep. With these two I figure tit for tat, we’re fucking even.

Then we look across the street to see the second exception, a very small brick home overcrowded with a mother and three or four children. The property has been an eye sore since we bought our house although it has gotten much worse over the years. The husband that once mowed the grass every month or so has moved away and now the family either assumes fairies perform the trimming at night or they just choose to ignore when neighbors get fed up enough to mow it for them. Any trees that fall are magically cut up and stacked by the road. Children’s toys seem to be vaguely grouped in the front yard for a garage sale that never seems to occur. Appliances that stop working are moved to the driveway to make room for their replacements, and when additions are made to the home they sit for years covered in tar paper before the siding is applied. None of these things have provoked my rage… until she got a dog. The dog was chained to the front porch for days at a time and between short trips around the yard dodging piles of it’s own shit it spent most of it’s time barking at my house. The 2nd night we lost sleep I worked up my speech for “the bitch across the street.” It was to be:

“I’m not here about the fact you never mow your yard or thank the people that do. I’m not here about the half a garage sale you’re growing in your garden, the fact that you never trim any trees or bushes, or that your fence is falling down. I didn’t walk over here to bitch about the washing machine in your driveway, the fact you leave your trash can in my yard for days at a time, or because I’m forced to listen to the 140 db muffler on your boy friend’s car at two in the morning. None of those things or the big wheel without the fucking big wheel on the front are why I’m here. I’m here because you don’t know how to take care of your fucking dog and if you don’t learn I’m going to steal him and take him to someone that gives a shit.”

I was going to say that. But it was 2 am when I wrote that. It was cold outside and I knew I could find a sleeping pill faster than my slippers. The next night about 5 am it was happening again and that is when I realized that I’ve changed. After only two hours of sleep I decided it was easier to call the cops, let them handle the dog and then get the city to make her clean up her yard. So instead of showing my ass like I’ve enjoyed some many times in the past I let my tax dollars do my bitching while I sat at home on the previously mentioned ass. Is this the change Obama was talking about? I’m not sure how I feel about it yet, but based on the results I can probably do more damage this way.

I am the winner of every argument that I have with my children.  I realize this won’t last forever but while I’m still on top I like to gloat about it.  Right now it’s easy to win.  I don’t have to put much thought into my points I merely have to repeat something witty that was said to me when I was a kid.

If one of the girls yells at their mother I get to step in with, “I don’t allow anyone to speak to my wife that way, especially not you.  She has spent years building this household and in doing so has earned the respect of all those around her and you will acknowledge the deserved level of respect and you will administer it as such.  Even though you think you’re an individual you need to also recall that you’re a member of the household that she built and  where she is one of only two authoritative figures and you should perceive your placement not as punishment or poor social standing but rather as an opportunity to earn your place in the same role.”

This causes a child to simply stare for a while and then whisper, “how… how did you do that?”

To which I reply, “Your father’s soul has been around for centuries and he has seen it all.”

I say shit like that because I can’t tell them the truth. The answer to “how did you do that?”  Can never be “Because your daddy did the same shit in sept of 76 and your great grandfather gave him a verbal raping that was way worse than the one you just got but you’ll never find out about it because you have a short attention span and he’s dead.”

Oh, and you can pick up the new album on digstation here.  I’ll be putting up more live shit for download soon.

Most opponents of socialized medicine are people who really don’t understand exactly how it works. As someone who has an entire family living in countries with socialized medical systems, I do understand it because I’ve seen it in action. I’m here to tell you it’s a wonderful thing.

The greatest thing about socialized medicine is that if you have enough money, you don’t have to use it. The long hours we spend in emergency rooms, doctor’s offices, and testing facilities are a thing of the past. With a socialized system if you or your insurance company pay for those services you move straight to the front of the line. You’d probably get mugged in the lobby with all those poor people so now you’re not just paying for your time, you’re paying for your safety as well.

When you agree to pay more and jump to the front of the line you’re stepping into the political arena. Now you’re using a socialized system to better define lines between social classes. You’re saying “If you die it creates less of a burden on society than if they were forced to do without me,” and you’re probably right. It’s not really what socialism is all about but we’ve already decided we don’t want it anyway so who cares? We’ll just use the parts that work for us and make up the rest as we go along. Isn’t that what we’re doing with democracy?

Socialized medicine also cures many of the health problems plaguing our country today. And by cures I means kills all the people that have them. Diabetes, heart disease, AIDS, cancer, all these things take a very long time to properly diagnose. Once they have been detected more tests need to be completed to determine the proper treatment and then arrangements have to be made to obtain that treatment. If we as acceptable members of society are constantly stepping in front of the sick then these services will be delayed even further, pushing the majority of those afflicted with disease and poor social standing right into their non-government funded grave. With all the sick and non-desirables falling off we will rapidly become one of the healthiest countries in the world.

Another great thing about socialized medicine is the public opinion of celebrities and government officials who don’t use it. If you’re going to be on the side of the people, you’ve got to ensure they think you live like they do. Do you think Larry King would still be on the air if this system was in place? His 2nd heart attack would only have taken place in an alternate reality. In our world he would have withered away preventing our grief and that of several of his future ex-wives. On air memories of Regis Philben, Barbara Walters, and the majority of the cast of 60 minutes would be as distant as the last time we saw Cronkite live. Presidents would become younger and the Supreme Court would be able to chew their own food. The elderly would finally do what they are intended to do, die. Sure there would be a few that we would have rather kept around but we could more than make up for their loss with the new ability to lower taxes due to all the extra money they left behind in the social security system.

I’m sure you can now see that those making statements against socialized medicine can’t fully understand the benefits the system offers. Let’s hope we can push them aside and become the rich, young, and healthy nation we set out to be.

When I was a kid all I wanted to do was grow up so I would always know exactly what to do like all the other adults. Now I’m 35 and I’ve got two kids who want to grow up and always know exactly what to do like me and mommy… the two people who have been faking it since day one. The only way I could get my wife to agree to taking our first daughter home from the hospital was to tell her, “stupid people have kids every day and you hardly ever read about them dying.” Did I know more than my wife about raising kids? How could I? I learned you’re supposed to wipe a girls ass front to back from a Kevin Smith movie. The only difference between me and my wife on that day was she was too stressed out to remember we learned pretty much everything we know by getting it wrong the first time. We brought that new TV home and got it working so there’s a good chance we could take the kid home and as long as she didn’t bleed out or starve to death she’d work one day too.

Five years later the kid was working fine. She fetched the occasional beer, there was no felony record, and as far as we knew she was still a virgin. We had done a good job. It took the school system to screw her up. Kindergarten taught my kid there really is no reason to try hard because in the end we’re all winners. Isn’t that great? Relax the pressure is off we’re all WINNERS! Yeah, your teachers are all winners too! All of them, even the one’s who make half as much money as the one’s who have masters degrees. They’re all teachers so they’re all WINNERS! Your art teacher is a winner. She’s cheating on her husband with the guy who mops piss off the restroom floors, her 2nd car is about to get repo’d, and she just bought her 12 year old daughter a $400 purse. You know why? Because she’s a winner. Your gym teacher is a winner. He had a loosing unproductive season 10 years in a row when he coached high school baseball so now he chases fat kids around an unused dodge ball court and picks up extra cash selling weed he scores off the art teacher’s daughter. Making the best of a bad situation, that’s what winners do.

Any adult screaming “we’re all winners” is a fucking loser. Instead of getting inspired to do better when they witness someone else’s success, they try to even the playing field by bring them down to their level. I’ve failed in life but you didn’t. I never doubted you which means I stood by you so I guess “we did it.” “We” did it together. Did you see “us?” Fuck you. I did it. I win, you loose. The fat kid in the band has never helped the team. He may graduate from MIT and make enough cash to buy Texas, and if he does he’s a winner. After the last football game his senior year he didn’t get a trophy. He got a fat girlfriend and a blister on his ass. The pain of them both turned a loser into a winner. If he had just gotten the trophy he would have been able to settle for just teaching my kid.