You ever wonder why I'm still here? How I sit upright? If I'm even still alive?
Most opponents of socialized medicine are people who really don’t understand exactly how it works. As someone who has an entire family living in countries with socialized medical systems, I do understand it because I’ve seen it in action. I’m here to tell you it’s a wonderful thing.
The greatest thing about socialized medicine is that if you have enough money, you don’t have to use it. The long hours we spend in emergency rooms, doctor’s offices, and testing facilities are a thing of the past. With a socialized system if you or your insurance company pay for those services you move straight to the front of the line. You’d probably get mugged in the lobby with all those poor people so now you’re not just paying for your time, you’re paying for your safety as well.
When you agree to pay more and jump to the front of the line you’re stepping into the political arena. Now you’re using a socialized system to better define lines between social classes. You’re saying “If you die it creates less of a burden on society than if they were forced to do without me,” and you’re probably right. It’s not really what socialism is all about but we’ve already decided we don’t want it anyway so who cares? We’ll just use the parts that work for us and make up the rest as we go along. Isn’t that what we’re doing with democracy?
Socialized medicine also cures many of the health problems plaguing our country today. And by cures I means kills all the people that have them. Diabetes, heart disease, AIDS, cancer, all these things take a very long time to properly diagnose. Once they have been detected more tests need to be completed to determine the proper treatment and then arrangements have to be made to obtain that treatment. If we as acceptable members of society are constantly stepping in front of the sick then these services will be delayed even further, pushing the majority of those afflicted with disease and poor social standing right into their non-government funded grave. With all the sick and non-desirables falling off we will rapidly become one of the healthiest countries in the world.
Another great thing about socialized medicine is the public opinion of celebrities and government officials who don’t use it. If you’re going to be on the side of the people, you’ve got to ensure they think you live like they do. Do you think Larry King would still be on the air if this system was in place? His 2nd heart attack would only have taken place in an alternate reality. In our world he would have withered away preventing our grief and that of several of his future ex-wives. On air memories of Regis Philben, Barbara Walters, and the majority of the cast of 60 minutes would be as distant as the last time we saw Cronkite live. Presidents would become younger and the Supreme Court would be able to chew their own food. The elderly would finally do what they are intended to do, die. Sure there would be a few that we would have rather kept around but we could more than make up for their loss with the new ability to lower taxes due to all the extra money they left behind in the social security system.
I’m sure you can now see that those making statements against socialized medicine can’t fully understand the benefits the system offers. Let’s hope we can push them aside and become the rich, young, and healthy nation we set out to be.
When I was a kid all I wanted to do was grow up so I would always know exactly what to do like all the other adults. Now I’m 35 and I’ve got two kids who want to grow up and always know exactly what to do like me and mommy… the two people who have been faking it since day one. The only way I could get my wife to agree to taking our first daughter home from the hospital was to tell her, “stupid people have kids every day and you hardly ever read about them dying.” Did I know more than my wife about raising kids? How could I? I learned you’re supposed to wipe a girls ass front to back from a Kevin Smith movie. The only difference between me and my wife on that day was she was too stressed out to remember we learned pretty much everything we know by getting it wrong the first time. We brought that new TV home and got it working so there’s a good chance we could take the kid home and as long as she didn’t bleed out or starve to death she’d work one day too.
Five years later the kid was working fine. She fetched the occasional beer, there was no felony record, and as far as we knew she was still a virgin. We had done a good job. It took the school system to screw her up. Kindergarten taught my kid there really is no reason to try hard because in the end we’re all winners. Isn’t that great? Relax the pressure is off we’re all WINNERS! Yeah, your teachers are all winners too! All of them, even the one’s who make half as much money as the one’s who have masters degrees. They’re all teachers so they’re all WINNERS! Your art teacher is a winner. She’s cheating on her husband with the guy who mops piss off the restroom floors, her 2nd car is about to get repo’d, and she just bought her 12 year old daughter a $400 purse. You know why? Because she’s a winner. Your gym teacher is a winner. He had a loosing unproductive season 10 years in a row when he coached high school baseball so now he chases fat kids around an unused dodge ball court and picks up extra cash selling weed he scores off the art teacher’s daughter. Making the best of a bad situation, that’s what winners do.
Any adult screaming “we’re all winners” is a fucking loser. Instead of getting inspired to do better when they witness someone else’s success, they try to even the playing field by bring them down to their level. I’ve failed in life but you didn’t. I never doubted you which means I stood by you so I guess “we did it.” “We” did it together. Did you see “us?” Fuck you. I did it. I win, you loose. The fat kid in the band has never helped the team. He may graduate from MIT and make enough cash to buy Texas, and if he does he’s a winner. After the last football game his senior year he didn’t get a trophy. He got a fat girlfriend and a blister on his ass. The pain of them both turned a loser into a winner. If he had just gotten the trophy he would have been able to settle for just teaching my kid.
I’m back after spending a week in seclusion. Not Hollywood seclusion where people have to climb trees to take pictures of your nips, just the most seclusion my tax bracket allowed. Specifically, Hilton Head, SC. It’s a pretty interesting place once you realize that back in the 50’s a man had a dream to take an entire island and hide it in plain site. Today, that man’s dream has come true. Don’t believe me? I challenge you to find anything on that island without a GPS. All buildings are hidden in the woods. All the signs are low to the ground and look exactly alike. All the communities are gated. In 14 miles of beach front property we never saw a single public beach access… or minority without an apron.
I can’t completely shit on the island. It was a very peaceful vacation that I think I enjoyed mainly due to the fact that I was able to just spend some quiet time with my family. Kerry White thinks I just enjoyed being somewhere it was safe to drunkenly neglect my children. Ask my wife if you want a tie breaker vote. Either way I intentionally visited this place full of those that think differently than I so to pay them back I thought I’d provide them with a free design for a t-shirt they can sell next year to compete with Myrtle Beach’s bike week.
No matter how hard Jimmy Fallon tries (and he really does try hard) every word out of his mouth is unfunny and lifeless. At this point I think reruns of “My Three Sons” would pull more ratings than Fallon’s show. To prove the point of just how little you have to try to be funnier than Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson opened last night’s show with 2 minutes of lip syncing with puppets. That wasn’t his closer man, he opened with that shit.
It’s over. Crazy Ted has pushed our country into the realm of “The Running Man“. Later this year “The Nug” is starring in his own reality show “Running wild… from Ted Nugent.” He has disguised the show’s true intentions by using the first segment to teach the victims contestants survival skills. Don’t worry though, in the end Ted always gets his man and the last part of the show he and his son Rocco (seriously mother fucker, Rocco?) hunt every last one of them down.
It’s always been right there in front of us. Uncle Teddy has been screaming about the rights of gun owners and hunters just and long and loudly as Alex Jones has been telling us aliens are the puppeteers of our souls. Since he hasn’t been able to convince congress anti-aircraft machine guns are the only suitable artillery for hunting flying squirrels he has now taken it upon himself to kill everyone that disagrees with him. I hate to spoil the secret behind this show but I read the treatment for it and the plan is that once CNN covers the funerals of the stars from the first part of the season most of us will fall in line for the episodes that air sweeps week.
Obviously Ted won’t use what he considers “lethal force” to prove he’s a better outdoorsman than his students, but Ted thinks everyone should be man enough to take a gut shot with their morning coffee. Two bills says just before this show gets cancelled we get to see Ted argue the point that it was a real bullet but he only grazed the guy’s spleen.
The image above is sort of a “Where’s Waldo the racism” type game. I took this at a gun show I attended a month or so ago with my step father and two other comedians who will remain nameless so I can give an honest summary of the events of the day. When they read this they can feel free to post additional stories from that day and take credit for their part.
The day began with the four of us standing in line discussing a problem one of the other comics was having and after I uttered the phrase, “call the IRS” the nosey conspiracy theorist in front of us explained in an elevated tone that the IRS was illegal and any association with that organization is a crime as well. Yippie! The nutbags are out and it’s going to be a good day. That is, as long as we remain calm. In any normal setting filled with crazy, religious, political, and war torn twitchy assholes with no shortage of opinions we would make every conversation uncomfortable and push it to the brink of a physical altercation. The difference in this scenario is everyone is packing, there is no shortage of extra ammunition, and there are four of us and five thousand of them.
After we got inside there were two key parts of the day that made me giggle. The first was one of the other comics continuously asking the most obviously racist individuals “what kind of gun is the best to get when a nigga be trippin?” No one ever answered the question but he kept trying. The second was when I was able to quickly snap the image at the top of the post without getting shot. Take a close look at this picture and make sure you take it all in. You start by noticing the title of the songbook “When a Coon Sits in the Presidential Chair.” This particular item was for sale for $1500 but I’m fairly certain the purchase comes with a free addition of your name to several FBI files. Then you notice the original copy of an Atlanta newspaper with a headline from the day MLK was shot with one of Hitler’s headshots leaning against it. On the table is a picture of the Rosenbergs, a jar of jelly beans, and a pair of bedazzled baby moccasins. Just out of frame they had a written contract on the life of Frederick Douglas and jar of tears from the original trail.
Occasionally it’s my job as a responsible, loving parent to crush a kid’s dream. My oldest daughter is very smart and artistic. She loves gymnastics, but she’s very smart and artistic. Twice a week for over a year my wife and I took an hour of our time and $30 to let her practice to become a future olympian. It’s important to know that most female olympic gymnasts are between 13 and 16 years old. This means we only have 7 to 10 years to teach her you can’t do a forward roll when you’re two feet from the television. I’m not sure the timing is going to work out in her favor.
As an adult I feel it’s necessary to do the right thing, and also to save $3k a year. The kid on the other hand insists she has mastered the basics and just needs more time. My observations have found that the basics of child gymnastics are looking cute in a leotard and understanding trampoline face plants don’t hurt. I’d feel better about paying for her to continue if she’d spend half the time knocking kids over and pissing in the foam pit. At least we’d have something to laugh about on the ride home.
The key to proper childhood dream crushing is the spin. I happen to be a child spin master. My wife is not. She proved her manipulation inability when we were trying to get the same kid to eat her vegetables. Instead of explaining that the longer you go between plates of veggies the uglier you get, she points out that if she doesn’t eat them the doctor will cut her fucking throat and put in a feeding tube with a funnel. Now we have to wipe piss off a stool and pick carrots out of a plate full of tears.
For the gymnastics dream to be destroyed properly it is important that we spend equal time insulting those that continue the activity and praising participants of the replacement. That is why tonight, as the family sits in front of our new diet of meat and bread, I will explain that the owner of the gym is a kid toucher, the other girls are pill headed whores, and her new soccer coach is best friends with Hannah Montana.
The economy is screwed. The left and the right are pounding each other on a daily basis. The world is ending in 2012 and they still won’t take Good Morning America off the air or at the least shoot Diane Sawyer in the dick. Most of the country feels like this is the worst their life has ever been. I even saw a guy on an HBO documentary that thinks Obama is the antichrist. As bad as we have it, to the rest of the world we still look like a nation of assholes.
Why? Because in this country people get lost in the mall. There are maps every 20 feet and the store has been in the same place for 5 years. Its a mall not a Tazanian dirt road and your looking for an American Eagle, not water. Read the map, eat your cinnabon, and stay the fuck out of the voting booth.
Then there are those that say “if _____________ then I’m moving out of the country.” Where the fuck are you going where they have it better than we do? Microsoft and a million other companies think it may be India. There was an 8 legged kid born in India (or the mountains of north Georgia, the evidence isn’t clear). They’ve been worshipping paintings of that same shit for 4,000 years but the first real one they see they slap chop the bitch. Even Google knows this chic is a god (google “8 legged Indian god” and see what pops up first). Twenty years from now that kid is gonna convince them she’s a deity but she won’t do anything for them because they slumdog’d the bitch when she was five.
