Believe it or not, this website is not just some internet chump.  It’s a highly technical network much like a 1920’s pimp working several different corners all the while letting each think they are my special place.  I put information on this site, then my bottom bitch (twitter) spreads herpes the word to those waiting for the next post.  A few of my other bitches (facebook, google, etc) help promote me as well and I’m always on the look out for another way to get my name out there keep my pimp hand strong.

This week while looking for new corners, the RSS feed for the very blog that you’re reading was rejected because “The content is inappropriate for syndication.”  I didn’t get pissed off or go on some freedom of speech rant.  I’m completely aware I’m allowed to say whatever I want, but nobody has to listen or help me repeat it.  I wasn’t disappointed that I was rejected.  No, I’m actually kind of proud.  I’m not the edgiest comic on the block (Doug Stanhope).  I don’t have a lot of life experiences that scare the average human (Kerry White).  No one has ever had to tape my pants on so I wouldn’t pull my dick out on stage (Paul Hooper).  I’ve never convinced an entire room full of people that retard porn is good for the economy (Matt Davis).  I’ve never called a flag magnet the “aids ribbon of patriotism” (still my favorite hardcore line from Josh Goguen).  And I’ve never got a standing ovation while mimicking a kick to my mother’s chemo bag (Mo Alexander).

Nope, I’m just a loud, arrogant, hick that likes to yell about living with 6 vaginas in a small town in the south.  As simple as that sounds to both you and me, today I’m pretty proud of the fact that a nameless/faceless soul found the time to put his pizza and chocolate milk on his mother’s counter long enough to greasily poke out an email to let me know he actually read my blog and as the spokesperson for the uncensored world of internet syndication he has deemed my thoughts too dirty to help me spread my seed to soccer moms in western Iowa.  Thank you sir for your honesty and I consider your opinion a compliment.  Now if you’ll excuse me I have to watch a video of that same western Iowa soccer mom unscrewing the lid off the shampoo in her pussy without twisting the bottle.

What? What? Who can't take a joke

I have a few friends that I consider family.  Anytime they drive thru town they stay at my house.  They shit, shower, shave, eat, and sleep under my roof with nothing expected in return.  They drive my car, they go out to eat with my wife when I’m not around, and occasionally I’m forced to clean up after them a little.  This has been going on for years and there has never been a single problem.  Yet, if one of them stood in my living room and screamed at me for 20 minutes for no reason, I’d punch him in the fucking mouth.  If they walked thru my basement and threw everything they touched on the floor and laughed about it, I’d set their car on fire.  Complaining about the food on our table would result in me dumping the plate in question in the trash, then sitting down to finish my meal without comment.  Yelling at my wife in any setting would warrant an ass stomping of epic proportions.  The fact is the end result of any of this behavior would be me bringing the relationship to a halt.  I wouldn’t allow this person in my house, there would be no kind words exchanged, and when I drove past them I would probably swerve in their direction.  

So if would respond so severely to this behavior from someone I’ve known for 10-20 years, why do I have to forgive a kid who’s only been living here for 6?  Did the kid help me hook up with my wife?  Did the kid bail me out of jail?  Did she help me move?  Let me borrow her car?  “Loan” me some drugs when I was using?  Nope, on the friend scale both my kids are free loaders.  They are Paul Hooper circa 2005.  In summary I think when they turn 18, they are both going to watch a “best of” video followed by a swift boot to the head.  I hope in 13 years I can still sweep the leg.

The line up from an old Sin Show in Matthews, NC

Anyone that’s followed my career the last few years knows that I try to work at as many of Matt Davis‘ Sin Shows as possible.  They pop up in various cities around the country, sometimes in a comedy club, some times a rock venue, and if the economy doesn’t swing up in the near future they may become a place where comics fight to blow CEO’s for gas money.  As for now though they seem to be doing well and I enjoy stopping by to drop vulgar rants in front of the staff of the local Hot Topic and a the occasional rehab drop out (thanks for coming by Joe).  There are always two constants at any Sin Show:

1.  There will be vulgar comments made about our friends in the room.  My worst was probably when my sister decided to stop in and was greeted with “for those of you who only banged her twice, her name is Heather.” 

2.  Someone who’s going up is getting thrown to the wolves… whether they like it or not.

You see, the Sin Show is about showcasing the material of a certain group of comics.  Most of the time this is material that won’t normally fly in a comedy club for fear that comment cards may affect our house payments.  The only rule is that there are no rules.  None.  Say what you want, but remember it’s still comedy so make it funny or suffer the consequences.  Okay so there is one rule but since we’re comics and not toastmasters we’re supposed to know that shit going in.  The problem with designing a show around material that doesn’t normally work in a comedy club, is that most comics don’t write material unless they can perform it in a comedy club.  There are a few exceptions like Matt, myself, Kerry White, Josh Goguen, Mo Alexander, Paul Hooper, Jason Barnes (whom I’ve just met and is very promising), and a few others who will be pissed I got tired of adding links.  The guy that I’m talking about however is does not write like we do.  Not yet anyway.  But Matt puts him up.  Either to watch him sweat, to make us laugh crowd be damned, or maybe just to give him a shot which the first time he will normally blow (like we all have).  

The best of this bait set is most likely Joe Zimmerman.  Joe is not a vulgar comic, and certainly can’t be described as energetic.  But, he’s funny as fuck… sometimes only to other comics but the crowds are quickly catching up.  His crowd is not a Sin Show crowd yet time after time when Matt has put him up he has held his own.  He stands there confident in his material, and creeps the crowd out until they give up and admit he’s funny.  I highly recommend anyone that reads this track down some of Joe’s videos and watch them.  Then go back a few days later and watch them again.  You will understand by then.

So if you see a Sin Show on my schedule or anyone other comic, stop in.  You can be assured that you’ll hear things you cringed just thinking about, you’ll see things difficult to describe, and one comic just won’t fit.  He’s usually my favorite.