What? What? Who can't take a joke

I have a few friends that I consider family.  Anytime they drive thru town they stay at my house.  They shit, shower, shave, eat, and sleep under my roof with nothing expected in return.  They drive my car, they go out to eat with my wife when I’m not around, and occasionally I’m forced to clean up after them a little.  This has been going on for years and there has never been a single problem.  Yet, if one of them stood in my living room and screamed at me for 20 minutes for no reason, I’d punch him in the fucking mouth.  If they walked thru my basement and threw everything they touched on the floor and laughed about it, I’d set their car on fire.  Complaining about the food on our table would result in me dumping the plate in question in the trash, then sitting down to finish my meal without comment.  Yelling at my wife in any setting would warrant an ass stomping of epic proportions.  The fact is the end result of any of this behavior would be me bringing the relationship to a halt.  I wouldn’t allow this person in my house, there would be no kind words exchanged, and when I drove past them I would probably swerve in their direction.  

So if would respond so severely to this behavior from someone I’ve known for 10-20 years, why do I have to forgive a kid who’s only been living here for 6?  Did the kid help me hook up with my wife?  Did the kid bail me out of jail?  Did she help me move?  Let me borrow her car?  “Loan” me some drugs when I was using?  Nope, on the friend scale both my kids are free loaders.  They are Paul Hooper circa 2005.  In summary I think when they turn 18, they are both going to watch a “best of” video followed by a swift boot to the head.  I hope in 13 years I can still sweep the leg.

I am the proud parent of a special needs child.  She needs me to make sure she doesn’t shit, and then get back into the bath to clean her ass.  This is what I found my 5 year old doing last week as I walked past her standing in the bath tub.  I started to ignore her stance but something told me to investigate further.  As I looked in the toilet I found a present similar to those I’ve left in friend’s apartments, only this bowl was missing something… toilet paper.  When asked what her reason was for not wiping her ass, she politely informed me she was in the process of completing the process in question.  I then noticed her bath sponge wedged between her butt cheeks.

This obviously doesn’t make my kid retarded, and based on the fact that she was cleaning it and not smearing it on the wall I’d say she’s not Brazilian.  She could have just been taking my constant advice on time management, however I’m not convinced on that one because she wasn’t texting anyone during the incident.  I’m going to justify the situation by saying she’s a budding environmentalist.  Her refusal to flush the toilet was a stance on water conservation.  Obviously someone with such green ideals would also be concerned about the fact that none of our toilet paper is made from recycled materials (I like the stuff with the lotion).  Her age limits her finance and transportation options so purchasing her own recycled tree bark isn’t a choice that’s available to her.  With a bath tub already full of water less than three feet away, and a biodegradable bath sponge suitable for the task at hand, my daughter made the only decision her morals would allow.  She stood up for her beliefs society be damned.  She fought for change.  And then she changed her sponge and bath water and washed her little filthy ass again.