Thanks to flipcam (now in HD) you get to see what it’s like when I ignore my children and leave my house to get trashed and point out the flaws of the less fortunate.

This is my friend Andy and his ridiculous hair.  Drunks in the background = me and Matt Davis.

My lovely wife and some fag

Adwana - the 2nd in a house full of fucked up names

As with all true love stories, this one begins in a bar. On Halloween night in 1999, I was making my annual drunk rounds to all the bars in whatever rude costume I could put together. That year I was especially proud because my costume included a 28” cock. While at my first stop, the bar I spent most of my free time at anyway, I was informed the young lady who was the fortunate owner of the great ass I’d been watching for months was newly single. I made my move with the expected bravado that a large penis and a bunch of beer gives you and by that I mean she came to me. She walked over with a dessert tray and stated, “I’m on here too, but I’m more than $2.50.” Obviously she wanted to build a family with me.
We hit it off very well on our first date and quickly arranged a second. A few days later I found out that things went so well she got back with her boyfriend. I needed to move quickly to show her I was the better man so I took every girl I was banging to sit with me in her section at the bar. A month later I was in… her vagina. For several months we built the foundation of our relationship by attempting to ignore the other people were both so obviously joining at bible study fucking. One afternoon I made a stop by her apartment only to witness the first clue of her complete lack of ability to manage her money, and another of her MacGyver like ability to keep a single room warm in a house with no gas or water. It was decided we should take this opportunity to become closer (closer = I no longer have to drive all the way across town to hit it). We gathered most of her things that day and for the next three months she lived in a house with 5 dogs and my bitchy roommate while I travelled 5 days a week. When the time came to discuss our problems we did what all mature adults do. I ignored her, she started seeing someone else, and I tossed her shit in the yard.
Three months later I was back in… her vagina. At this point we were living in a duplex short 1200 square feet, one roommate, and two dogs. Things were going so well with my job we were contemplating a move to Boca Raton, FL. At some point during this period I proposed, she accepted, and then we decided not to move to FL. I checked my bank account and asked do we get married or buy a house. Two days later, we bought a house. I asked do we get married or remodel the kitchen. We spent the next 8 months with a microwave and refrigerator in the den. Stalling became expensive so to profess my love I went to Italy for three weeks with a buddy of mine. We already know what happened when I got back in… her vagina.
Since she was pregnant we both reacted like every sensible couple that’s been engaged for two years. I mentioned we should quit stalling. She accused me of only wanting to marry her because she was pregnant. I explained pregnant women get fat and fat chicks only turn me on in college bar bathrooms. Her hormones made her really horny. Our love blossomed. She planned a $10,000 wedding in Salisbury. We flew to Vegas for a week and came back married and threw a $1,000 party.
This blog is getting long, but people that know me will call me out if I leave out certain details so I’ll just say this. We’re still together despite the following:

-She got so drunk and pissed at me one time she tried to Matrix kick me with both feet. I stepped backwards and now we have a story to tell at parties that doesn’t involve nudity.

-We once drove two hours to a bar and I forced her friend to show me her tits in appreciation of our appearance.

-She won’t let me put it in her butt.

-I’ve seen a few of her friends naked. They won’t let me put it in their butt either.

-I’ve told the following lies about her on stage to thousands of people: She drank Jager in the delivery room, I had a minogue with her and her sister, I had to wait in like to bang her after work, and many, many others.

-Her mother is a cunt. So is her sister and her niece.

-Somewhere out there is a picture of her watching me hold a stranger’s breasts in front of a comedy club.

-While typing this blog I responded to one of her texts with a statement that involved our eldest giving hand jobs to a elementary school vice principal.

 

 

 

Hmm, nothing like a fresh Dawkin's Doughnut

Judie Brown, president of the American Life League, is calling out Krispy Kreme doughnuts for supporting the pro-choice movement.  It’s a sad day in this country’s history when we blindly line up like Jews in a 1940 Warsaw ghetto to eat a pastry without realizing each and every delicious bite is dripping with the tears of unwanted fetuses.  It should have been obvious to us all when we saw the advertisement in the window stating “Free doughnut of choice to every customer on inauguration day.”  We only saw free, none of us realized the wicked word choice was hidden right before our eyes.  It think it’s time to take a stand as a free nation and do a google search to find some other guilty parties in this fight for Judie’s control of our nation’s vaginas.

Webster’s dictionary is a blasphemous book that defines choice as, “a person or thing chosen.”  We must rid the shelves of this gateway book so that our children never learn they have such broad options in life.  The fewer options they are presented with, the fewer mistakes they will make.

Healthy Choice frozen food should be pulled from every supermarket shelf.  As if using “choice” in their product names wasn’t bad enough now they’re implying that all these choices we’re dedicating our lives to fight against are healthy.  It is not a healthy choice to get mouth raped by a vegetarian lasagna.

Choice magazine describes itself as, “the magazine for professional coaching.”  Coaches are either facing against us at the front lines of the sexual education classrooms or their backs are turned to us as they give a Basketball Diaries tongue lashing with a ring finger in some innocent 13 year old’s rectum.  We cannot support a magazine for people whose only choice in life is to teach kids how to have sex, or show them.

Choice Hotels should be run completely out of business.  Their room rates are so low they’re actually competing with rental space in medical office parks.  It’s cheaper in many areas for doctors to run their entire practice out of a hotel room that smells of semen and regret.  That puts doctor’s offices too close to the interstate and if we don’t stop it now by the end of the year you’ll be able to get a burger, a tank full of gas, and an abortion on the same exit and still make it in time for Freaknik

Adoption Choice, Inc. is forcing their staff to find customers willing to raise the world’s unwanted children of drug addicts, prostitutes, and nuns.  Without actually letting this heathen spawn into our homes the name of this organization is our only clue to their real agenda which is to force the new parents to raise these children thinking they were a choice, and one day they will have to make one of their own.  It is important now more than ever that we force our lawmakers to make this a country where children are sold, not adopted, so they can be raised with the understanding that they have no choices only orders.  The orders of the great Judie Brown.  

Judie is standing up for our rights.  Our rights to take away the rights of those who don’t deserve them.  

Judie Brown needs to be punched in the twat.  My only hope is when it happens the future president of her American Life League is on it’s way out and that the blow to it’s lil soft spot kills whatever part of the brain erupts such ignorant thought.

Apparently the Luxor felt Carrot Top’s act was getting a bit stale.  Here’s a video of his stage crew testing one of his new props.  We can only hope this one fails like all the rest.

Now that Obama has started his new job I think it’s time he answered the questions we all have:

1. Why didn’t the secret service shoot Jamie Foxx when he gave you the “what’s up playa” point Sunday night? You’re the first black president not the last nigga to roll up to da club.
2. Whose idea was it to put Herbie Hancock on stage with Sheryl Crow and Will I. Am? A jazz legend, a rock whore, and who?
3. Is Joaquin Phoenix’s rap career a matter of national security? He’s pissing on the grave of Johnny Cash… Again.
4. Why did Aretha look like a 600 pound wedding cake topper?

The people demand answers sir. These are not the changes we were looking for.

It’s not big news here yet, but give it a day or so and… wait, Fox News (http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,443705,00.html) is on it.  The Atheist Bus is coming to town.  Ariane Sherine noticed a mild religious advert (this is British news losers, we’re using the Queen’s English today) on the side of a London bus.  When she went to the website she found it a little more aggressive than the ad, since it was forcefully explaining to her that she and all her atheist friends were going to “spend all eternity in torment.”  As a retort, she got together with Richard Dawkins and attempted to raise $8,000 to put their own message on a few buses.  In four days, they raised almost $150,000.

Their message is simply, “There probably is no god, now stop worrying and enjoy your life.”  I’ve been reading news articles about this story for the last few hours and the more I read, the more I think we’re all finished.  I thought it might be time for me to respond to a couple of the quotes that I’ve read.

Sandra Lafaire, a 76 year old from Los Angeles said, “I think it’s dreadful.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion but I don’t like it in my face.”  Well Sandra, I agree completely.  Let’s fix this problem immediately.  Have everyone stop knocking on my door at 8 am Saturday morning.  I’m either on the road, or hung over.  Either way I couldn’t give a fuck that only 250,000 people are getting into heaven.  While we’re at it, I don’t want to see anymore church billboards or those shitty little marque signs.  They’re too “in my face” and they’re blocking the view of the informational billboard that tells me what exit Georgia to take if I want a fat naked trucker whore to bring me a $12 microwave cheeseburger.

Paul Woolley, the director of the religious think tank Theos, said “It tells people to stop worrying, which is hardly going to be a great comfort for those who are concerned about losing jobs or homes in the recession.  Stunts like this demonstrate how militant atheists are often great adverts for Christianity.”  First, how telling people to stop worrying and enjoy their life not a comforting message?  I’m thinking it’s a pretty relaxing message, rather laid back if you will.  So laid back in fact that some of the unemployed people with homes in foreclosure may think that their remaining money is better spent supporting their family instead of the church.  The got they support may be helping, but last I checked he wasn’t hiring.  And second, how is the word “probably” a “militant” message?  Don’t get me wrong, I know Dawkins is a militant atheist.  He’s also a genius and an asshole which is why I like him so much.  If you want a militant atheist message I’m sure he would be more than willing to burn one in your front yard in a language you’re too stupid to translate.  Until then, accept the fact that this little sticker is nothing more than a peaceful, “what-if” statement.  A lot like the things the hippies were saying about 40 years ago.  Good thing your people got there in time to cave in some fucking skulls before the pot heads got too militant.

What? What? Who can't take a joke

I have a few friends that I consider family.  Anytime they drive thru town they stay at my house.  They shit, shower, shave, eat, and sleep under my roof with nothing expected in return.  They drive my car, they go out to eat with my wife when I’m not around, and occasionally I’m forced to clean up after them a little.  This has been going on for years and there has never been a single problem.  Yet, if one of them stood in my living room and screamed at me for 20 minutes for no reason, I’d punch him in the fucking mouth.  If they walked thru my basement and threw everything they touched on the floor and laughed about it, I’d set their car on fire.  Complaining about the food on our table would result in me dumping the plate in question in the trash, then sitting down to finish my meal without comment.  Yelling at my wife in any setting would warrant an ass stomping of epic proportions.  The fact is the end result of any of this behavior would be me bringing the relationship to a halt.  I wouldn’t allow this person in my house, there would be no kind words exchanged, and when I drove past them I would probably swerve in their direction.  

So if would respond so severely to this behavior from someone I’ve known for 10-20 years, why do I have to forgive a kid who’s only been living here for 6?  Did the kid help me hook up with my wife?  Did the kid bail me out of jail?  Did she help me move?  Let me borrow her car?  “Loan” me some drugs when I was using?  Nope, on the friend scale both my kids are free loaders.  They are Paul Hooper circa 2005.  In summary I think when they turn 18, they are both going to watch a “best of” video followed by a swift boot to the head.  I hope in 13 years I can still sweep the leg.

The extent of my 2008 political material was simply a joke about how if you really look at the TV all you have is an old white guy and a young black guy arguing and that hasn’t been on primetime since the 70’s when we had All in the Family.  Now the election is over and once again the old white guy looks like an ass, I can retire this material and move on to discussing things I actually know something about.  But before I do, here’s where I stand on a few of the issues I heard during the past election.

Free Shitty Healthcare

Aren’t we the same country that thinks our healthcare sucks?  We can’t rid the earth of cancer, AIDS, or Crabs?  We can wipe the plague from the face of the earth but we still have crabs hiding in hotel room sheets (I swear that’s where they came from)?  If we don’t believe it’s working properly, why does it matter who pays the bill?

Pry it from my cold dead fingers

I’ve read more NRA propaganda saying that in 2009 they’re going to take away the guns.  Here’s an idea assholes.  Instead of preaching to the choir, how about educating politician who may not be aware of how gun control effects the masses.  The smartest thing I ever heard Obama say on gun control was a statement he made admitting he was wrong in supporting a shitty IL gun control law.  The smartest thing I ever heard an NRA spokesperson say is…

Joe Biden is an asshole

Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face.  Ah…Shhhh.  In the damn face.

There are pros and cons to both small town and big city life. In the city I can get fried chicken and chocolate milk at 4:30 in the morning, but in a town that’s only 8 blocks long it’s only takes about 5 minutes to catch the assholes who hit my truck.