I was going to insert pictures into this post but they wouldn’t fit.  You’re about to find out why.

On his show Monday, Howard Stern “attacked” Precious actress Gabourey Sidibe by saying “There’s the most enormous, fat black chick I’ve ever seen. She is enormous. Everyone’s pretending she’s a part of show business and she’s never going to be in another movie.”  Apparently attack means pointing out the facts because that’s kinda what he did.  Stern lives in a bubble made of cash so this probably is the fattest black chick he’s ever seen.  I live in the land of crisco and butter and I know she’s the biggest bitch on my radar.  As far as the statement about her being in another movie… the nicest way it can be said is that she will never pass the required physical.  Another way would be to say that Gabourey Sidibe is this decade’s Eric Stoltz.  He went thru 2,000 hours of makeup for his Rocky Horror Picture Show and he’s been locked in supporting rolls for 25 years.  The only thing Precious is supporting is a KFC franchise.

Now to my favorite part.  Jessica Simpson (I didn’t see it coming either) rushed to Gabourey’s aid and said, “I absolutely 100 percent think she could get anything in the world that she wants.”  This would normally go completely unnoticed by me except for the fact that Brendon over at WWTDD picked up on it and posted, “I agree. Just as long as everything she wants is on the first floor and within range of her Rascal. Or if she really wants diabetes and heart failure.”  I wish I had written that so I could use it on stage and tag it with, “If what she wants is at the top of the steps, Johnny Depp is going to have to burn her fucking house down.”

Looks like someone will be putting a little more love in the next meal

The more I look back on my life the more I realize things have gotten progressively better when I simply decided not to settle.  The less I settle, the more I notice those who do.  I generally try to stay out of it until they ask my opinion.  At that point I’m either the guy with the answers or that prick who told them what they didn’t want to hear.  It’s becoming baffling to me.

Why do you spend ever week going back and forth to a job you hate?  Quit, do something you want to do.  You’re probably not going to starve to death and if you do then you weren’t really contributing to society anyway.

You’re sick stupid, go to the doctor.  Thera-flu doesn’t cure the flu, it treats the symptoms.  There’s a person in an office that can cure you if you’ll simply shut up and do what they say.  And when you get there, don’t ask them what the commercial told you to ask.  The writer responsible for that script is not someone you’d trust with a finger in your ass so why are you letting them dictate what treatment you think you want?

Question everyone.  In elementary school I learned Columbus was a hero.  In Jr. High I learned who paid him to be a hero.  In my 20’s I learned he was a mass murderer and a thief.  Don’t believe “the facts” until YOU have researched the facts.  People are stupid and if you’re not careful they’ll make you that way too.

Learn to bitch.  One of the simplest ideas I use to live my life came from Goodfellas. “Fuck you, pay me.”  AT&T charged you too much and won’t give you a refund?  Fuck you, pay me.  The bank wants to add fees to your account without telling you?  Fuck you, pay me.  Our house burned a few years ago and the insurance adjuster tried screw us out of a lot of our money by setting unrealistic deadlines on our paperwork.  I never complained I just organized 10 of our closest friends to help and we cut his deadline in half.  We got every penny.  Fuck you, pay me.

But who am I to give you advice?  My HDTV only gets about 20 channels that don’t look like shit.  I’ve been punched and shot and didn’t swing or shoot back.  I love my iPhone but it’s still connecting to AT&T.  Maybe you should be listening to someone with better standards.

I only wish I had the free time that must be necessary to put something like this together.  If I ever do figure out a way to clear that much off my schedule I’m going to start with a bunch of Dane Cook clips.  I’ll let Dane start the jokes and Louis C.K. can finish them since he wrote them.

Believe it or not, this website is not just some internet chump.  It’s a highly technical network much like a 1920’s pimp working several different corners all the while letting each think they are my special place.  I put information on this site, then my bottom bitch (twitter) spreads herpes the word to those waiting for the next post.  A few of my other bitches (facebook, google, etc) help promote me as well and I’m always on the look out for another way to get my name out there keep my pimp hand strong.

This week while looking for new corners, the RSS feed for the very blog that you’re reading was rejected because “The content is inappropriate for syndication.”  I didn’t get pissed off or go on some freedom of speech rant.  I’m completely aware I’m allowed to say whatever I want, but nobody has to listen or help me repeat it.  I wasn’t disappointed that I was rejected.  No, I’m actually kind of proud.  I’m not the edgiest comic on the block (Doug Stanhope).  I don’t have a lot of life experiences that scare the average human (Kerry White).  No one has ever had to tape my pants on so I wouldn’t pull my dick out on stage (Paul Hooper).  I’ve never convinced an entire room full of people that retard porn is good for the economy (Matt Davis).  I’ve never called a flag magnet the “aids ribbon of patriotism” (still my favorite hardcore line from Josh Goguen).  And I’ve never got a standing ovation while mimicking a kick to my mother’s chemo bag (Mo Alexander).

Nope, I’m just a loud, arrogant, hick that likes to yell about living with 6 vaginas in a small town in the south.  As simple as that sounds to both you and me, today I’m pretty proud of the fact that a nameless/faceless soul found the time to put his pizza and chocolate milk on his mother’s counter long enough to greasily poke out an email to let me know he actually read my blog and as the spokesperson for the uncensored world of internet syndication he has deemed my thoughts too dirty to help me spread my seed to soccer moms in western Iowa.  Thank you sir for your honesty and I consider your opinion a compliment.  Now if you’ll excuse me I have to watch a video of that same western Iowa soccer mom unscrewing the lid off the shampoo in her pussy without twisting the bottle.

 
A new bit recorded at the Pittsburgh Funny Bone.

I don’t normally post stuff like this but this video of a 600 pound gorilla molesting her retarded brother must be shared.  It’s hilarious on the level of The Yellow Brick Road.

There’s no “real” nudity but I wouldn’t consider this very work safe.  

I accidentally cropped out the flies

The young man in the picture is my new project.  To protect his anonymity, we’ll call him Hepbee because he probably has it.  The great thing about lil’ Hepbee is he was born in just the right place at just the right time.  If you’ve ever read anything by Malcolm Gladwell you know these things will shape the rest of your life.  That’s where I come in.  Thanks to Sally Struthers, I’m able to feed this young man for $0.25 a day.  Thanks to the One Laptop per Child program, he’s able to earn that quarter.  

As the bible will tell you if you give a man a fish you feed him for a day, but if you give him laptop and a bowl of wheat he can find the best time and place to fish in Costa Rica, book you a discount flight and tour guide, and even email the cab service that will pick you up at the airport.  If we’ve learned anything these past couple years it’s that this economic crisis is not national, it’s global.  By picking an assistant with a solar powered laptop that lives close to the equator, I get a 12 hour work day with no carbon footprint.  

I think we can all agree that I’m a shining example of the change that’s needed in this world.  I hope more of you can follow my lead.

It's as if the sign can predict the future

This train track runs thru the middle of the small town I live in.  There are five places to cross the tracks within a 1/2 mile and two of them are impossible with a truck and a trailer.  The town is littered with signs informing drivers of this issue yet at least once a week I get to look at a scene exactly like the one above I photographed this morning.  There are however a few things the picture doesn’t show you:

1.  The man in orange is attempting to jack up a fully loaded 53′ trailer and rest it on a wooden pallet.  

2.  On the other side of the truck is a train waiting very impatiently.

3.  This has been going on for 3 hours.

4.  In 15 more minutes, there will be two trains waiting… only the next one is coming the opposite direction.

5.  Someone in the crowd watching this fiasco is blaming it on Obama.

This is the problem with living in a free country.  If the same scenario took place in China the truck driver would have pulled that trailer thru an elementary school to keep from disobeying those signs.  I think we can all learn something from this.  Instructions on signs must be followed.

And before you ask, yes, I still think this is hilarious... and it

After you’ve been a comic for a certain period of time, you loose small parts of your personality. You’ve heard every silly joke/premise that it takes some people 20 years to catch wind of. Most things no longer make you laugh, they simply make you jealous you didn’t write them. And some of us loose the filter in our heads that says, “don’t say/do that.”
The other day I saw a retarded girl sitting on the floor in the mall chewing on a cell phone. I took a blurry picture because I was shaking from laughing and while I was emailing it to every comic I know, my wife asked me what I was doing. (Silence, try to explain)… “being an asshole.”