Most of it appears to be fried. I’ve been in this bar for over 3 hours. This guy has been eating the entire time.

Matt Davis and me + beer + a guy who wants someone to pay to punch him in he face + a pocket full of cash = video gold.

The chair was recently released from Guantanamo Bay

A 14 year old Chinese boy was killed when the desk chair’s gas cylinder attempted to escape into his asshole.  Some are saying (no they’re not, it’s just me) this was his father’s lame attempt to get him to [insert random 1980's punchline here].

There is no caption that tops the stupid look in this picture

Now that you know about Shitzu the shit bucket, it’s time you met Sam.  Sam is an 8 year old Valley Bulldog.  Somewhere there are papers that say she’s an English Bulldog but she’s as English as Puerto Rican’s are black.  I don’t care what texture your hair is, deep down you still want a job (Sorry, I just watched Gran Torino).  I don’t really remember the reason behind getting Sam, mostly because those memories were replaced by those of a bulldog shitting thru the front of a cage.  At just 4 months Sam had the amazing ability to shit on 6’ of wall and not get a single drop on the floor.  It was as if she was able to strafe down the hall while vomiting out her asshole.  Aside from her fecal ability, Sam is also living proof that dogs can be retarded.  This is not a hack chance to use the word retarded, it’s just the only word that make sense.  Retarded children do not respond well to a lack of routine to the point that sometimes they are unable to adjust to even the simplest change.  If you put Sam’s food bowl behind her, she will starve to death.  They don’t realize their own strength even to the point of hurting themselves.  Sam once ran full speed into the side of a car that had been parked in the same place for 3 days.  IQ for retardation is less than 75.  Sam can’t count and lets other dogs piss in her mouth.

I’ve been around long enough where it’s probably time to tell the story of how my little family came to be.  Until one or more of them come to their senses, I live with my wife, two daughters, and three dogs.  Since every other living creature in my home is a female, according to my eloquently spoken step father I’m “the only swingin’ dick in the house.”  

So how does an asshole like myself amass a home filled with pussy?  The story can’t be told all at once.  I guess the easiest way to tell it is to start at the bottom and work my way up.

Kloe, is a 10 year old Cocker Spaniel/Shitzu breed we have named “crock -o- shit.”  I believe this breed name has a lot to do with her behavior over the years.  The dog was purchased, as most are, to ensure my access to the interior of a 19 year old girl’s panties.  It kind of worked, but to learn more about that you’ll have to wait until I get to the story about my wife.  After I bought the dog I left it to live at the apartment of the previously mentioned young lady because 1. I was living in a house with 3 other dogs (a Pug that was missing an eye, rib, and nipple, an epileptic Dalmatian, and a Great Dane with hip dysplasia and lactose intolerance) and 2. I hate fucking cocker spaniels.  Upon leaving the mutt at her residence, she assured me that she would be following my strict training instructions  enlisted upon every animal that I’m forced to share a roof with.  After a week of visits it was clear that either she was not following these rules, or she was re-staining her hardwood floors with piss.  At some point during the tense training negotiations, the young lady and I decided to combine households.  Now I’m living with two women, and 4 dogs.  Everything you expect to happen in this situation does.  I’ll save the part about the women for a later blog and let you know the surprising part that relates to this story is that with four dogs, the one running things is an eight pound handicapped pug.  Demon puppy didn’t seem to appreciate the distribution of power so she took matters into her own hands and destroyed the house.  

Now, most does will chew up a couch cushion, a shoe, or maybe the leg of some furniture.  Amateurs.  This dog started a Red Dawn full assault on my life.  She warmed up with items around the house.  She ate the bottom of every door, she soaked every rug in urine, and just in case there was any question about who the culprit was, she would force me to follow her down the hall so I could watch her back up and piss on my pillow.  Next she took out my wallet.  Her first financial attack began with her swallowing an entire pair of panties whole.  The tickling lace caused a constant cough, much like parvo.  Since my roommates dogs hadn’t been vaccined properly, and they were too big for her to manage getting them to the vet, I had to pay the vet to come to the house and give $1500 worth of shots to every dog.  About a month before my wife gave birth to our first daughter, Kloe broke her back.  After spending four years with this dog my wife had become so attached to her that a death at this point could cause problems with the pregnancy.  I checked our saving and we had $3,000.  I told her if it cost a dollar more, we had to put the dog down.  The surgery ended up costing $2995.  Looking back, if we’d eaten a steak dinner the night before I could have saved myself a lot of stress over the last six years.

After the surgery the dog recovered fully and spent the next five years getting her way through a series of hateful acts including but not limited to:  shitting in my shoe, stealing my clothes, barking every 10 minutes after baby’s bedtime, eating bullets, eating money, hiding dead rats in my workshop.  Things went pretty much like this until all one day she just didn’t look good.  She would cough, weez, walk funny, fall down, etc.  The vet said make her comfortable, this is it.  My daughter had just turned five, and a new kid was on the way.  The wife and I decided since the daughter was going to loose a lot of attention with the new baby, it would be easier to do a proactive swap and get a new puppy before the old one kicked off.  So we bought a new dog and the simple act of bringing her home instilled a second wind in Kloe of miraculous proportions.  All symptoms immediately disappeared.  She also found the strength to let me know how much she appreciated our gift of a new dog and a new will to live.  She walked over and shit on my leg.  She was banished outside for a week.  45 seconds after she was let back in, she did it again.  The new puppy is now 100 lbs, the dog who should have been name Falcor refuses to die.

It’s not big news here yet, but give it a day or so and… wait, Fox News (http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,443705,00.html) is on it.  The Atheist Bus is coming to town.  Ariane Sherine noticed a mild religious advert (this is British news losers, we’re using the Queen’s English today) on the side of a London bus.  When she went to the website she found it a little more aggressive than the ad, since it was forcefully explaining to her that she and all her atheist friends were going to “spend all eternity in torment.”  As a retort, she got together with Richard Dawkins and attempted to raise $8,000 to put their own message on a few buses.  In four days, they raised almost $150,000.

Their message is simply, “There probably is no god, now stop worrying and enjoy your life.”  I’ve been reading news articles about this story for the last few hours and the more I read, the more I think we’re all finished.  I thought it might be time for me to respond to a couple of the quotes that I’ve read.

Sandra Lafaire, a 76 year old from Los Angeles said, “I think it’s dreadful.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion but I don’t like it in my face.”  Well Sandra, I agree completely.  Let’s fix this problem immediately.  Have everyone stop knocking on my door at 8 am Saturday morning.  I’m either on the road, or hung over.  Either way I couldn’t give a fuck that only 250,000 people are getting into heaven.  While we’re at it, I don’t want to see anymore church billboards or those shitty little marque signs.  They’re too “in my face” and they’re blocking the view of the informational billboard that tells me what exit Georgia to take if I want a fat naked trucker whore to bring me a $12 microwave cheeseburger.

Paul Woolley, the director of the religious think tank Theos, said “It tells people to stop worrying, which is hardly going to be a great comfort for those who are concerned about losing jobs or homes in the recession.  Stunts like this demonstrate how militant atheists are often great adverts for Christianity.”  First, how telling people to stop worrying and enjoy their life not a comforting message?  I’m thinking it’s a pretty relaxing message, rather laid back if you will.  So laid back in fact that some of the unemployed people with homes in foreclosure may think that their remaining money is better spent supporting their family instead of the church.  The got they support may be helping, but last I checked he wasn’t hiring.  And second, how is the word “probably” a “militant” message?  Don’t get me wrong, I know Dawkins is a militant atheist.  He’s also a genius and an asshole which is why I like him so much.  If you want a militant atheist message I’m sure he would be more than willing to burn one in your front yard in a language you’re too stupid to translate.  Until then, accept the fact that this little sticker is nothing more than a peaceful, “what-if” statement.  A lot like the things the hippies were saying about 40 years ago.  Good thing your people got there in time to cave in some fucking skulls before the pot heads got too militant.